An Interview with Olivia (and some other home learning musings)

This blog began as an un-schooling and natural parenting blog. I wanted to document our journey, and be an encouragement and possibly an inspiration to other home learning parents. Home learning is a HUGE undertaking. I underestimated the level of time and commitment. I also underestimated how many of my own issues would be triggered: my competitive nature, my anxiety, and my insecurities.

As Olivia begins grade 11, I took time to reflect and collected some of my thoughts here.

A (not so) quick summary of our fun with home learning and learning differences

I have always thought of my daughter as gifted because of her many talents. Even as a very young one she was able to draw amazingly well, to dance remarkably and passionately, her empathy and compassion for people was off the charts. She's a natural musician- playing violin by ear, and singing as it turns out. These were her inborn interests- her natural leanings. She was confident and fearless!

When my daughter was 10, she was diagnosed with dyslexia, dysgraphia, and dyscalculia; basically reading, writing, and math learning disorders. Comparatively speaking, 10 years old is considered pretty late to get this kind of information.

We had been approaching "schooling" from a natural and trusting perspective. I believed (and still do) that people are learning beings, regardless of age we are always learning. I believed the academic tasks we associate with school learning, the reading, writing, and math, were things that could be learned without a curriculum- lead by passion, interest, and necessity.

Moving forward with this new diagnosis, we learned that the recommended interventions were largely unavailable in our small community. I wondered: Have we failed her by not forcing a curriculum or doing a more traditional method of schooling? What would we do now? For a time I felt very lost, insecure, and at odds with myself and my choices. My competitive nature had me comparing my daughter with others her age, even though this conflicted with my core beliefs about natural learning. She too, would compare herself to her peers, finding her deficits and feeling negatively about her differences.

What I had to understand is that my daughter's brain is wired differently. This was not my fault, and all the un-schooling philosophy in the world had not "caused" her challenges.

Olivia adds, "Different has a stigma of always being a bad thing, when it doesn't have to be. I knew I was different and I always looked at it as a bad thing. It's only been for a few years that I haven't felt that way. But it feels better now to see it as a good thing. From a psychology standpoint, when you are younger, you always feel more connected to people but when you're older there's a separation from everything else and you start to see yourself as your own person. Separate from others, separate from your parents, separate from your friends or peers, but when you're young there isn't a difference between you and the people around you. There isn't that separation. Now that I'm older, there is a separation and I can see that I am my own person and I can realize that I am not so-and-so and I am my own being. I am me. Reading about other people with dyslexia and some of the amazing things they were able to do, helped to take away the stigma of it being bad and it put a lighter spin on it. It didn't have to be a weakness, it could also be a strength in some ways."

The school encouraged us to continue on as we always had, and not to push her academically but to support her in her strengths.

Olivia says "because you did this, it helped me to see dyslexia as a strength."
 


She taught herself to read shortly after diagnosis. Many of the things we did to support her had nothing directly to do with reading, writing, or math. Horse back riding, art and pottery, and dance. We found tutors who were patient and kind. They would allow her to take her time and make mistakes. The human connection between them seemed to be the most important part. One tutor began to work with her natural creative inclinations and inspired her to start writing. Olivia's love of telling stories motivated her to want to create stories to share with others and she completed her first novel!

She says "I always wondered about the writers of stories, what gave them drive to write this? What inspired this? What made them want to create this? I wondered if I could write a story. Would people would want to read it? And if they would wonder who wrote it, and what made me want to write. More than that, I wanted to prove that I could do it."

Which brings us to now... grade 11

Olivia has only been reading for 6 years. Think about that for a minute. In 6 years she caught up to her grade level. She is the expert on her experience so I asked her some questions:
  
How is it that you are "caught up" to grade level in only 6 years?

"It was motivation and a lot of hard work. I think it was my love of stories and wanting to share those stories with other people that gave me the drive to learn and keep working on it even though it was challenging."

 

What would you say to other home learning parents whose children have learning differences?

 

"Keep encouraging your kids to do what they're good at and do the things that they love."

 

How will that help them to get better at the things they are struggling with?

 

"For example, if they have dyslexia, if they are able to see that dyslexia also comes with a lot of good things, not just the challenges it makes it a lot easier to cope."

 

What would you say to parents that are worried that children won't learn what they need to know?

 

"Kids like to ask questions and find the answers. Wanting to find the answers becomes the motivation. It's kind of a domino effect. It just kinda happens. It depends what kind of learner kids are too, are they someone who learns best by listening or are they maybe more visual or hands on? It depends on the person. Explore how your kid learns best, what is their preferred way of learning?"

 

What inspires you? What's next?

 

"That's a big question... there's so much. Last year I got so much feedback from my classmates about my novel. Some wanted to know more about certain characters and others wanted to know about my creative process and what points I wanted to stand out, such as the morals of the story. I was writing it in the same few years that I was realizing that dyslexia wasn't a bad thing. All the characters were very different, but they were all so wonderful in their own ways. It was really inspiring!

I'm working on a new novel and I'm excited to see what kind of feedback I get from it because it's very different from things I've previously written."

If any of this post resonates with you because you are a home learner, or a parent of a child who learns differently, or maybe just someone feeling a little lost. (September is notorious for making me feel like I'm bobbing around in vast, sometimes stormy ocean.)
The following is my heartfelt unsolicited advice:

1. Breathe. Really take time everyday to breathe. It might mean taking a walk, sitting outside, or hiding in the bathroom. (I know how it is, sometimes that's our best option!) But breathe.

2. Decide what is REALLY important to you when it comes to your family's learning, because you are the parent and you get to do that! Is it A's in every subject? Is it enjoying your time together, even the learning time? What kind of qualities do you want them to have as adults? Think beyond curriculum, what skills/qualities do you want to nurture in them? Do you want them to be kind, considerate, confident? Do you want them to understand what their strengths are and how to chase the things they feel passionate about?

3. Realize that a stressed out brain doesn't learn. This is science. If your child's brain is flooded with stress hormones for whatever reason, (they are struggling with the subject, they're uninterested, they want to run, they're hungry or tired...) the learning simply won't happen. It can't, the stressed out brain only cares about survival. I would extend this to include that a stressed out brain doesn't teach very well either. When my brain is stressed or anxious, I'm a mess. I'm in a hurry. I can be very unreasonable. Nothing I do from that place is going to support learning, except my walking away to calm down. Learn to recognize when stress is at play so you can take care of yourself and your little one - do something different!

4. Fun and engagement is when learning happens, so figure out how to make it fun. If that means talking to the teacher and trying to make adjustments to the plan, then do it! If that means scrapping the plan and building your own based on your child's needs, then do that! (Isn't that at least part of the reason we choose home learning in the first place? We want the best fit for our kids?)

5. Take your time because you actually have a lot of it. The time period between kindergarten and graduation is 13+ years. That's a ton of opportunity to enjoy being with your little one. The learning will happen, I promise. It can't not happen, unless you are all swimming in stress 24/7, see no 3.

*As a side note, my son also taught himself to read at 10 years old (no dyslexia, just his time to learn it). He too is reading at his grade level now. He just started grade 7. I never wasted spent my time forcing him to learn what sounds each letter makes, but he learned it because it became important and relevant to him. When he was in the early grades we spent time learning about things he was interested in, in ways that worked for him. He'll be doing the FSA testing this year to see how he compares to others in his grade, I'll let you know how it goes... I know I'm curious.

6. You got this. You grew and birthed this little being into existence. Arguably, you love them more than anyone. So listen to that mama gut. You got this.

Click here for some of our fave resources from earlier years :)

labels, labels and more labels

labels. i haven't heard so much about labels, as i have been recently. it seems everyone has so many feelings about labels; and everyone has been very open with me in sharing those feelings. First, lets think about labels as they relate to things, "objects". The online dictionary defines it as:

"a slip of paper, cloth, or other material, marked or inscribed, for attachment to something to indicate its manufacturer, nature, ownership, destination, etc."
So the purpose of the label is to tell people where an item came from, where it is made, what it is made from, and sometimes contains special directions for how it is to be cared for; and what some of it's intended uses might be. This is useful information, and as it relates to an object; it is not usually considered negative at all.

The dictionary further defines label as:
"a short word or phrase descriptive of a person, group, intellectual movement, etc."
AND this is where it gets tricky. People are generally uncomfortable with labels being attache to people. I think perhaps, people feel labels will take away from their individuality; or they fear people will associate a label with them and that is all they will become; that it will change what people expect of someone.
AND this strikes me as a little odd, because we label ourselves, all the time in ways that we are okay with; in ways that are considered positive, without attaching various fears to these labels.

We are comfortable saying "I am a mechanic."... or "banker" or "doctor" or "teacher" or "mother".... we are okay with this, because it tells the world something about who we are, what we are good at, maybe it says something about how we "see" the world. We are okay with saying, "I'm artistic" or "musical" or "athletic".... these to are labels, labels we give to ourselves, labels that tell the world something about us. We do not fear these labels will limit us; we do not fear people will only think of us as these things. We are okay with these labels.

"We are unschoolers"... this is a label could tell people a lot about how we as are as a family. I do not fear that this label will limit us; or that this is a label we have made some huge commitment to; one that limits us from changing; if we as a family felt we wanted to.

Why all this talk of labels? I'll tell you why, because when it comes to medical labels, all of a sudden people start to carry around all kinds of fear, and negativity. Especially, when these labels are being applied to children. I have had a lot of time to think about this; AND I'm going to share some of those thoughts with you.

My husband has a diagnosis of narcolepsy. A label, yes? yes.
People hear this label, and they get the mental picture of someone falling asleep while they are driving, or walking, or bowling, or eating soup. It makes people giggle, and joke; because of this mental picture; this impression the world has of narcolepsy; an impression that is not entirely accurate or fact based. These kinds of situations, that people picture when thinking of narcolepsy, CAN happen to people carrying the label of narcolepsy; but they don't always; in fact, there are varying forms and degrees of narcolepsy.

Narcolepsy is a diagnosis we fought for. I want to be clear about this; we wanted a label that would explain some of the challenges my husband is facing. We wanted a label that would tell us, and others, something about him; something about his make-up, something about his needs and abilities. A label that would give our family access to help, that we legitimately needed.

I'm going to be honest too; there was a process involved in accepting this label. It wasn't like my husband got this diagnosis, and we said "YAY! what a positive thing! this is going to be great!" NO, we had fears; and it was a big process of adjustment that we had to go through. AND I don't believe people see this label attached to my husband, and see him as only that. I don't think people see him as less of an individual. Another honest part of the process was educating people about what this diagnosis, this label, meant. It was a little exhausting, honestly, because it caused a focus to be on the label for a period of time. But overall, this was a positive thing because it let people know more about what we were, and are facing. And to the people who know us and care about us, this label has not been a negative thing.

In the pediatricians office with my daughter last week, I was listening to the doctor talking about ADD and ADHD. It was general information. She was telling me what this label meant, and she was telling me about the kinds of coping skills and strategies children and adults develop when their brain works this way. As I listened, I had to stop her, I had to interrupt.... because she was describing me! She was describing so many things about my childhood. She asked me some more questions about it; and ended up telling me I probably have ADD! This is a label that "could" have been very useful to me, as a child; this label is very useful to me now. It tells me something about how my brain works, and how I learn best. It explains why I have to listen to music, if I want to be able to focus on a task; it explains why I have had SO much trouble learning certain things. This is a positive thing to me; it is useful information.
AND it made me and my daughter giggle ALOT.... which is also a good thing ;)

Clearly though, this is not why we were visiting the pediatrician.

Originally, I wrote a lot of details here. Details that were therapeutic to write. But I deleted them. Because I don't want to share all the details. And I don't want to explain or defend to anyone. What I will say is this:

Unschooling has allowed us to honor our daughters strengths, her gifts and talents. It has allowed her to develop a love of learning. It has allowed us to be together; to support her in whatever way we could see she needed. It allowed enough time to pass, for her to have the maturity she needed to recognize that she is facing some challenges and to know that she wanted help. She knows herself incredibly well; and thanks to unschooling she knows a ton about her own learning process; enough to know that she wanted to learn more about her own process; about what is and is not working for her.

The pediatrician has praised us for choosing to unschool. She said we have been doing exactly what was needed and was good for our daughter; and that she wanted us to continue to do more of what we have already been doing. I am thankful, and relieved. I have carried the useless fear that unschooling had somehow "caused" her to be having this struggle.....

Well, maybe it hasn’t been entirely useless. You see, some people have asked me if I think unschooling has “caused” any of "this"- which of course is ludicrous! I've had a lot of time to contemplate what this question is really saying! Having the freedom to explore one’s own interests; and learn in the way one is naturally inclined does not “cause” a neurological disorder. For this is exactly how most adults live; following their interests, learning about things as they feel is most beneficial for them. If the belief that unschooling causes this kind of damage was true; we would have a world full of adults with neurological disorders... (wait a minute, maybe we do! ;)

Sorry, I got off on a tangent there.... my point is, the fact that this ludicrous fear crossed my mind has kept me from really “loosing it” on a few people. Just to put that out there.

So yes, this is a challenging and stressful time. And yes, we are going to continue unschooling our son. And yes, I still believe unschooling is a fantastic option for families. And yes, I am writing all this about labels because I am tired of hearing about other people's crappy feelings about labels; and labels on children. Whatever diagnosis we come to, (which I probably won’t be sharing on here) isn’t going to change who we are as a family. It isn’t going to change who my daughter is; or how we feel about her. It is going to tell us a little bit more about who she is; what she is made of; where she is coming from. It is going to tell me more about how I can best be supportive and caring for her. And that is important information to me.

If you read this all the way to the end, thank you. And if you are one of the people in our life who has been supportive and kind, then thank you.

....and i was half right....

so, what is actually going on with us?
i have been reading friends blogs and i am impressed by how much they are willing to share of what is personally going on for them. i'm going to give it a try.

We have been on winter break for a while, we have one more week to go. It has been a refreshing break; which seems weird to say, even to me. What has changed? no running the kids to drama and dance. nowhere we've had to be. no weekly reports to write and send in to the school. we were ready for a break. but that is not what made the break needed. there is mor to it than that.

you see, for a while now i have known that our daughter was going to need some extra help in learning to read and write. just before the break, it was suggested by the school that she could benefit from having a formal learning assessment to try and identify the reason for some of the challenges she has been having. our daughter agreed that she would like to do this.

so why wait until now? very simply, she wants some extra help now. i have known that she was having some difficulties in this area for a while; i have known that most school would regard her as "behind" her grade level. however, until very recently, the skills of reading and writing didn't matter very much to her. She was satisfied with what she was able to do (and she is gifted at so many things); and i felt confident that one day these skills would be important to her, and that she would have the ability to get "caught up" to where she would like to be; I felt confident that i would be able to help her to learn these skills.

..... and i was half right...

these skills have become important to her; she would like to i.m. chat with her friends, send letters to people, read books and magazines, look stuff up on the net....
but alas, i am not the person to help her learn these skills right now...
i am the person who is driving her to various appointments, to have various tests and assessments done, which is helping, i guess.... but not quite in the same way as i had imagined. i am her soft place to fall.

and i am sharing this for a whole bunch of reasons; (with my daughter's permission, of course.)
i have known for a while, we would be needing this, but when we finally got to this point in time, it felt weird, scary, and unknown....
....i suppose that there are probably other parents out there who maybe, like i knew, know that at some point they will be crossing this bridge.... i wanted to share that it can still feel icky, it did at first for me anyways.

i also want to put out there that it is okay to wait to cross this bridge until it is the right time for the child... i have heard the philosophy, so many times, that the earlier you can get the help- the better. but, from our experience, so far, i think i disagree.

my girl is almost 10. she has the maturity to be involved in this process in a powerful way. she is the driving force behind this process. she WANTS the help. she WANTS to learn how she learns best. she WANTS to learn what her strengths and weaknesses are. she WANTS access to the help of a teacher, trained to teach how she learns best. and what she wants is of great value and importance to me. the knowledge that there is a reason she hasn't learned these skills yet, has taken the pressure off of her. which leads me to my next thought,

can we please stop putting kids on the spot to read and do math?! to prove they have these skills to us?!
i'm not sure what the motivation is of an adult who does this to a child. i'm not sure i care either. usually, i'm pretty good at giving good motives to people, even if their actions look bunk; but in this case, i can't do it.

what is a person like this trying to achieve? it can go one of a few ways...

the child might have the desired skill, and perform the skill as asked, and the child might feel good about getting to show-off something they are good at. this is the best outcome. not one i have seen or experienced though.

the child might have the desired skill mastered, but not feel like performing it; or might feel puzzled about why this adult is asking them to do it; which at worst, leaves the child feeling conflicted about whether to listen or not, and probably feeling alienated from the adult who did the asking.

take it a step further, suppose the child doesn't have the skills required. now what? what does the child do? and how do they feel? and what if, they have had difficulty learning whatever the skill is? now, they are on the spot, feeling bad for not being able to do whatever it is. it is simply not fair or kind.

so can we stop expecting that everyone of a certain age will be at the same place in their learning? it's not a reasonable expectation.

and also, just putting this out there, as a parent i felt afraid that i would be blamed for her being "behind".... that people would think that our unschooling lifestyle was at "fault". and that has been implied by people. but here is what I want people to know, what my daughter is facing is a real thing. it has nothing to do with curriculum; or being forced or not forced to do workbooks. it is as real as being born with brown eyes. it is a part of her make up. one doesn't get to choose the color eyes nature gives them. just as our unschooling did not create this challenge. our unschooling has allowed for my daughter to be in control of this challenge; to wait until the time was right for her to face it; and i wouldn't go back and change that. it has been the right decision for her. for us.

she has used the extra time and energy, to develop some amazing skills and abilities. i think perhaps, she may not have been able to do that if we had been busy wrestling with her brain, trying to force it to do something it was not ready for yet. she has also developed some pretty solid confidence and communication skills, empathy, grace, and social skills.

she amazes me everyday, by the kind of person she is.

this week she started her own blog. one which she dictates and i type up for her. it is an amazing blog, and i am looking forward to seeing all the cool things she will share with the world through her blog.

SO, i put all this out there because someone has to. there are plenty of families and children who are facing these challenges. there are plenty of friends and extended families of the families facing these challenges. i wanted to share what it looks like for us. not to gain approval or acceptance. but to inform. and hopefully to give people a better idea of how this feels for us; and maybe how to support ones going through this.

culture

what is culture to you?
what is life all about to you?
what makes you special? unique?
if i wanted to learn all about you, what questions would i ask?

this idea of us all being from a place unique only to us is something i've been pondering all week..... what began all this thinking about culture?



An unschooling teen referred to schooled kids as belonging to a "culture" unique to school- to his description- a culture about surface, about looks, and fitting in, about sameness, and rightness, competitiveness; a culture of ridiculing anyone different, and so on.... but alas, this blog entry is not about dogging on public school... it is about so much more than that... it is about life...



then someone else presented the idea to me of meeting someone from another land, another culture; wanting to get to know them; taking them out for a coffee and conversation in an effort to learn more about them- who they are and where they are from.... i envisioned this scenario, as i was asked to... looking at this other person, this stranger from another land, i felt curious, and FULL of questions...

i imagined this person as not speaking fluent english, but as someone learning english... i imagined having to repeat things back, using hand gestures or pictures to make sure i was understanding what they were sharing.... i thought about the richness of variety of music, art, food, architecture, spirituality.... if this visitor felt welcome by me, comfortable with me... i could learn a lot... if i was open to their answers- especially the ones that felt different... i can feel this open-ness... it was as if we were both children again; exploring the ideas and identities of one another... now i was asked to imagine approaching life with my children from this open, curious, respectful place... wow... is all i can say. what a beautiful comparison. this creates in me a deeper understanding of relationships; both friendships and family relationships. i knew my children had preferences and i have always tried to be respectful of that; but i had never thought of viewing it with the same respect i would give an adult; the same acceptance; the same curiosity.... the same open-ness to the possibilities of learning- from my children, in everyday moments...

So what is my culture all about?

Mine is a culture of learning. learning from people and places and books and experiences, and sharing, and love. Mine is a life full of questions and curiosity; trying new things and getting better at the old things... In this picture, my culture is all the things that make me unique and special, the things that make me different. in my culture love creates a context of learning, and learning leads back to love.



so what is your culture? what are your questions? What makes you unique? what can i learn from you?