labels, labels and more labels

labels. i haven't heard so much about labels, as i have been recently. it seems everyone has so many feelings about labels; and everyone has been very open with me in sharing those feelings. First, lets think about labels as they relate to things, "objects". The online dictionary defines it as:

"a slip of paper, cloth, or other material, marked or inscribed, for attachment to something to indicate its manufacturer, nature, ownership, destination, etc."
So the purpose of the label is to tell people where an item came from, where it is made, what it is made from, and sometimes contains special directions for how it is to be cared for; and what some of it's intended uses might be. This is useful information, and as it relates to an object; it is not usually considered negative at all.

The dictionary further defines label as:
"a short word or phrase descriptive of a person, group, intellectual movement, etc."
AND this is where it gets tricky. People are generally uncomfortable with labels being attache to people. I think perhaps, people feel labels will take away from their individuality; or they fear people will associate a label with them and that is all they will become; that it will change what people expect of someone.
AND this strikes me as a little odd, because we label ourselves, all the time in ways that we are okay with; in ways that are considered positive, without attaching various fears to these labels.

We are comfortable saying "I am a mechanic."... or "banker" or "doctor" or "teacher" or "mother".... we are okay with this, because it tells the world something about who we are, what we are good at, maybe it says something about how we "see" the world. We are okay with saying, "I'm artistic" or "musical" or "athletic".... these to are labels, labels we give to ourselves, labels that tell the world something about us. We do not fear these labels will limit us; we do not fear people will only think of us as these things. We are okay with these labels.

"We are unschoolers"... this is a label could tell people a lot about how we as are as a family. I do not fear that this label will limit us; or that this is a label we have made some huge commitment to; one that limits us from changing; if we as a family felt we wanted to.

Why all this talk of labels? I'll tell you why, because when it comes to medical labels, all of a sudden people start to carry around all kinds of fear, and negativity. Especially, when these labels are being applied to children. I have had a lot of time to think about this; AND I'm going to share some of those thoughts with you.

My husband has a diagnosis of narcolepsy. A label, yes? yes.
People hear this label, and they get the mental picture of someone falling asleep while they are driving, or walking, or bowling, or eating soup. It makes people giggle, and joke; because of this mental picture; this impression the world has of narcolepsy; an impression that is not entirely accurate or fact based. These kinds of situations, that people picture when thinking of narcolepsy, CAN happen to people carrying the label of narcolepsy; but they don't always; in fact, there are varying forms and degrees of narcolepsy.

Narcolepsy is a diagnosis we fought for. I want to be clear about this; we wanted a label that would explain some of the challenges my husband is facing. We wanted a label that would tell us, and others, something about him; something about his make-up, something about his needs and abilities. A label that would give our family access to help, that we legitimately needed.

I'm going to be honest too; there was a process involved in accepting this label. It wasn't like my husband got this diagnosis, and we said "YAY! what a positive thing! this is going to be great!" NO, we had fears; and it was a big process of adjustment that we had to go through. AND I don't believe people see this label attached to my husband, and see him as only that. I don't think people see him as less of an individual. Another honest part of the process was educating people about what this diagnosis, this label, meant. It was a little exhausting, honestly, because it caused a focus to be on the label for a period of time. But overall, this was a positive thing because it let people know more about what we were, and are facing. And to the people who know us and care about us, this label has not been a negative thing.

In the pediatricians office with my daughter last week, I was listening to the doctor talking about ADD and ADHD. It was general information. She was telling me what this label meant, and she was telling me about the kinds of coping skills and strategies children and adults develop when their brain works this way. As I listened, I had to stop her, I had to interrupt.... because she was describing me! She was describing so many things about my childhood. She asked me some more questions about it; and ended up telling me I probably have ADD! This is a label that "could" have been very useful to me, as a child; this label is very useful to me now. It tells me something about how my brain works, and how I learn best. It explains why I have to listen to music, if I want to be able to focus on a task; it explains why I have had SO much trouble learning certain things. This is a positive thing to me; it is useful information.
AND it made me and my daughter giggle ALOT.... which is also a good thing ;)

Clearly though, this is not why we were visiting the pediatrician.

Originally, I wrote a lot of details here. Details that were therapeutic to write. But I deleted them. Because I don't want to share all the details. And I don't want to explain or defend to anyone. What I will say is this:

Unschooling has allowed us to honor our daughters strengths, her gifts and talents. It has allowed her to develop a love of learning. It has allowed us to be together; to support her in whatever way we could see she needed. It allowed enough time to pass, for her to have the maturity she needed to recognize that she is facing some challenges and to know that she wanted help. She knows herself incredibly well; and thanks to unschooling she knows a ton about her own learning process; enough to know that she wanted to learn more about her own process; about what is and is not working for her.

The pediatrician has praised us for choosing to unschool. She said we have been doing exactly what was needed and was good for our daughter; and that she wanted us to continue to do more of what we have already been doing. I am thankful, and relieved. I have carried the useless fear that unschooling had somehow "caused" her to be having this struggle.....

Well, maybe it hasn’t been entirely useless. You see, some people have asked me if I think unschooling has “caused” any of "this"- which of course is ludicrous! I've had a lot of time to contemplate what this question is really saying! Having the freedom to explore one’s own interests; and learn in the way one is naturally inclined does not “cause” a neurological disorder. For this is exactly how most adults live; following their interests, learning about things as they feel is most beneficial for them. If the belief that unschooling causes this kind of damage was true; we would have a world full of adults with neurological disorders... (wait a minute, maybe we do! ;)

Sorry, I got off on a tangent there.... my point is, the fact that this ludicrous fear crossed my mind has kept me from really “loosing it” on a few people. Just to put that out there.

So yes, this is a challenging and stressful time. And yes, we are going to continue unschooling our son. And yes, I still believe unschooling is a fantastic option for families. And yes, I am writing all this about labels because I am tired of hearing about other people's crappy feelings about labels; and labels on children. Whatever diagnosis we come to, (which I probably won’t be sharing on here) isn’t going to change who we are as a family. It isn’t going to change who my daughter is; or how we feel about her. It is going to tell us a little bit more about who she is; what she is made of; where she is coming from. It is going to tell me more about how I can best be supportive and caring for her. And that is important information to me.

If you read this all the way to the end, thank you. And if you are one of the people in our life who has been supportive and kind, then thank you.

Promise to my children

Below is a facebook status, the idea was to copy and paste into your own status if you feel this way.

PROMISE TO MY CHILDREN: I will stalk you, moan at you, lecture you, drive you crazy, embarrass you in front of your friends, hunt you down like a bloodhound and be your worst nightmare all because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult. You will NEVER find someone who loves you, cares about you and worries about you as much as i do!~love mom

I couldn't do it, because while I agree with the "I love you" message I don't agree with the underlining message. The behaviors described portray a message of distrust; an expectation that your children are going to disappoint you. The message is that because you know best, you have given yourself the license to act in disrespectful ways towards your children; to ignore their feelings as irrelevant. And the behaviors are justified with a "because I love you the most." But alas, these are not behaviors or attitudes that build healthy relationships; stalking, moaning, lecturing, embarrassing, hounding, annoying; these are the things that tear down. These things do not encourage respect, communication, or honesty.

~Who of us as adults would seek out a relationship like this? Who of us would like to see our childrens in an adult relationship that looked like this?
It would be considered unhealthy at best.

I would like to revamp this, and compose a promise of my own.


My Promise to My Children:
I promise to trust you, to try to listen more than I talk, to really hear your feelings, to communicate with you.
I promise to feel proud of you,
to credit you with the best intentions and motives;
to share with you in your struggles and disappointments.
I promise to value what you need;
and accept that sometimes you do know what is right for you.
I promise to try and remember that everything in life is a learning experience; and that we can learn from each other.
I promise to be awed by your gifts and talents.
I promise to stand beside you as your advocate, to support you;
even when that support looks crazy to other people;
hug you, love you, comfort you;
and offer guidance when you need it.
I promise to laugh with you; and share in this life with you.

And I hope that when you are a grown adult we will still have a good relationship;
and that when you look back on your childhood
you will feel like you were loved and treated with respect and kindness.
I hope that in your life you will be surrounded by people who love you and care about you;
and I hope that you will choose me to be one of those people.
Because I love you. I loved you before you were, and I love the person you are.

~Love mom

....and i was half right....

so, what is actually going on with us?
i have been reading friends blogs and i am impressed by how much they are willing to share of what is personally going on for them. i'm going to give it a try.

We have been on winter break for a while, we have one more week to go. It has been a refreshing break; which seems weird to say, even to me. What has changed? no running the kids to drama and dance. nowhere we've had to be. no weekly reports to write and send in to the school. we were ready for a break. but that is not what made the break needed. there is mor to it than that.

you see, for a while now i have known that our daughter was going to need some extra help in learning to read and write. just before the break, it was suggested by the school that she could benefit from having a formal learning assessment to try and identify the reason for some of the challenges she has been having. our daughter agreed that she would like to do this.

so why wait until now? very simply, she wants some extra help now. i have known that she was having some difficulties in this area for a while; i have known that most school would regard her as "behind" her grade level. however, until very recently, the skills of reading and writing didn't matter very much to her. She was satisfied with what she was able to do (and she is gifted at so many things); and i felt confident that one day these skills would be important to her, and that she would have the ability to get "caught up" to where she would like to be; I felt confident that i would be able to help her to learn these skills.

..... and i was half right...

these skills have become important to her; she would like to i.m. chat with her friends, send letters to people, read books and magazines, look stuff up on the net....
but alas, i am not the person to help her learn these skills right now...
i am the person who is driving her to various appointments, to have various tests and assessments done, which is helping, i guess.... but not quite in the same way as i had imagined. i am her soft place to fall.

and i am sharing this for a whole bunch of reasons; (with my daughter's permission, of course.)
i have known for a while, we would be needing this, but when we finally got to this point in time, it felt weird, scary, and unknown....
....i suppose that there are probably other parents out there who maybe, like i knew, know that at some point they will be crossing this bridge.... i wanted to share that it can still feel icky, it did at first for me anyways.

i also want to put out there that it is okay to wait to cross this bridge until it is the right time for the child... i have heard the philosophy, so many times, that the earlier you can get the help- the better. but, from our experience, so far, i think i disagree.

my girl is almost 10. she has the maturity to be involved in this process in a powerful way. she is the driving force behind this process. she WANTS the help. she WANTS to learn how she learns best. she WANTS to learn what her strengths and weaknesses are. she WANTS access to the help of a teacher, trained to teach how she learns best. and what she wants is of great value and importance to me. the knowledge that there is a reason she hasn't learned these skills yet, has taken the pressure off of her. which leads me to my next thought,

can we please stop putting kids on the spot to read and do math?! to prove they have these skills to us?!
i'm not sure what the motivation is of an adult who does this to a child. i'm not sure i care either. usually, i'm pretty good at giving good motives to people, even if their actions look bunk; but in this case, i can't do it.

what is a person like this trying to achieve? it can go one of a few ways...

the child might have the desired skill, and perform the skill as asked, and the child might feel good about getting to show-off something they are good at. this is the best outcome. not one i have seen or experienced though.

the child might have the desired skill mastered, but not feel like performing it; or might feel puzzled about why this adult is asking them to do it; which at worst, leaves the child feeling conflicted about whether to listen or not, and probably feeling alienated from the adult who did the asking.

take it a step further, suppose the child doesn't have the skills required. now what? what does the child do? and how do they feel? and what if, they have had difficulty learning whatever the skill is? now, they are on the spot, feeling bad for not being able to do whatever it is. it is simply not fair or kind.

so can we stop expecting that everyone of a certain age will be at the same place in their learning? it's not a reasonable expectation.

and also, just putting this out there, as a parent i felt afraid that i would be blamed for her being "behind".... that people would think that our unschooling lifestyle was at "fault". and that has been implied by people. but here is what I want people to know, what my daughter is facing is a real thing. it has nothing to do with curriculum; or being forced or not forced to do workbooks. it is as real as being born with brown eyes. it is a part of her make up. one doesn't get to choose the color eyes nature gives them. just as our unschooling did not create this challenge. our unschooling has allowed for my daughter to be in control of this challenge; to wait until the time was right for her to face it; and i wouldn't go back and change that. it has been the right decision for her. for us.

she has used the extra time and energy, to develop some amazing skills and abilities. i think perhaps, she may not have been able to do that if we had been busy wrestling with her brain, trying to force it to do something it was not ready for yet. she has also developed some pretty solid confidence and communication skills, empathy, grace, and social skills.

she amazes me everyday, by the kind of person she is.

this week she started her own blog. one which she dictates and i type up for her. it is an amazing blog, and i am looking forward to seeing all the cool things she will share with the world through her blog.

SO, i put all this out there because someone has to. there are plenty of families and children who are facing these challenges. there are plenty of friends and extended families of the families facing these challenges. i wanted to share what it looks like for us. not to gain approval or acceptance. but to inform. and hopefully to give people a better idea of how this feels for us; and maybe how to support ones going through this.

the mess and the village

the mess.
the mess of books on and off of the bookshelves. the mess of sewing stuff under the stairs. the mess of papers on the desk. the mountains of laundry both in front of the machine and on the couch. the mess of beads and jewelry parts in the corner. the mess of yarn and various crocheting projects beside the couch. the mess of paints and canvases by the table. guitars on the walls, drums in the living room. Oh the mess!

the mess that is unschooling.
Why do I say this?

because for us, and i suspect a whole lot of other unschoolers,
this is what the unschooling environment looks like.
projects and supplies for projects everywhere.
the mess is irritating at times, overwhelming at others; but mostly,
the mess is a sign of learning!

judging by the mess... boy, are we learning a lot!

the learning that is everywhere and in so many forms.
And so mostly...
i have made peace with the mess because it is just part of where we are at as a family, right now.
So i just wanted to put that out there...
for families who are already unschooling or who are thinking of unschooling.
the mess is inevitable.
AND it will be okay.
MESS is patient, it will wait.
the mess will be better some days and worse others.
it will be organized mess some of the time.
the mess will always be there.
i am closer to being at peace with it;
and with that comes freedom and appreciation.
the realization that it is a trade worth making.
Mess in exchange for learning.
mess in exchange for time spent with my children,
creating, being inspired, exploring.
the mess is worth it.

the village.
"it takes a village to raise a child".
the village is something i am thankful for.
and feeling more and more appreciative for everyday.
the village is full of people and family that have been gracious enough to be a positive, supportive influence in our lives.
the village says to my daughter: "i see your gifts of creativity"... "i see you would like to learn how to swim- i can help you with that"... "i will help you to sew"...
"i am here to help"....
Our village is full of wise women who are willing to share, and mentor.
Our village is full of hugs.
I am hopeful that our village will continue to be full of support when we encounter challenges too.
I hope our village will be empathetic and non-judgmental
as we ALL have our own mountains to climb.
Feeling thankful for the beautiful village that we get to be a part of.

thankful for uncomfortable remembering

Tonight, I find myself pondering the past. Usually I find myself living in a state of "future", thinking ahead, planning.

the past. *sigh* who likes to go there?...

and yet, I'm remembering back to my teen years.
remembering the challenges that surrounded me, that surrounded my friends.
The challenges that my parents, and others would talk about with such concern. such worry.
and this enigma "peer pressure"...
I was so sure I was not affected by it.
sure that for me an MY friends, we were somehow exempt from it.
I remember the atmosphere
drugs and alcohol,
teen pregnancy,
of girls in abusive relationships,
of friends and classmates in violent and abusive homes,
eating disorders,
and teen suicide.
I remember losing some.
Some of my friends. Some of my dreams.
Some of my hopes, and vulnerability.
Some of my trust.
I remember the confusion and overwhelming-ness of it all.

And none of these subjects are ones we like to talk about, or like to ponder... I think, because we all have our stories. We have all known these things.


Add to this a scary statistic I recently heard, 3-45 minutes; that is the amount of time total, per week, that parents and their children spend talking; having conversation that is not related to making plans or doing tasks.
~Conversation that is about knowing each other. about connection. think about that for a minute. and then think about the things I mention above. ~how do any of us come through it?

This has me thinking about my availability to my little ones, only... they are getting bigger everyday; and am I there for them? and am I beating this statistic? I hope so.

I hope that we are getting to know each other as people.
I hope that we are developing a relationship that allows them to talk freely.
I hope I am communicating my love and affection,
my confidence in who they are,
and who they are becoming.
I hope I am advocating for them.
By advocating, I mean "standing beside."
Being a support, and a soft place to fall.

I'm feeling like I do a lot of "talking", reflecting, pondering in this blog. I hope it is at least a little bit enjoyable to read. I hope that in relating some of my thoughts, I am connecting.

I am hoping that some might be inspired to think about some of these things. To spend some time in what might be an uncomfortable state of remembering. Remembering being the child. Being the teen.
Remembering.
Recalling what you needed and wanted. What you wished for.
Because I have been thankful for this uncomfortable feeling.
Remembering... needing acceptance, support, listening ears, affection, confidence, reassurance.
The "stand beside" variety of advocacy, that I was blessed to find among some kind-hearted adults.
The kind of advocacy that says,
"I am here to listen. I am here to support you."
I hope that I will be able to do this with my own children;
and I hope they will also meet others who will do this with them.

Pondering, reflecting, thankful.

brave

Someone told me unschooling is BRAVE. They said it is brave because no one, including myself, really knows the outcome. And further, they said, if my children do have a good "outcome", people will assume I just got lucky. Fair enough, I say... but what parent ever does know the outcome?? Who really says "I'm going to do it THIS way, and I will have a good outcome, guaranteed."?

And when asked what they want for their children,
most will reply that the want their children to be HAPPY.
Happy and successful.
From there on the details vary,
so where am I on the spectrum?

I want my children to be happy, and healthy... spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthy.
I want them to have lived and therefore learned
honesty, integrity, confidence, kindness, peacefulness, patience, faith, love.
I want them to have developed
communication skills that will serve them well
when they have their own families.
I hope
they will have living skills, like cooking nutritious food.
I want them to know they are valuable and know what gifts they possess.
These are the things I hold as the most valuable.

~Where are they going to learn these values and skills, if not from their parents and family?
~If not from spending time with themselves?
~Are they to learn these things from attending school? No, I do not believe these are the things learned from going to school- BUT these are the things I would define as the "basics".
And this is where our BASIC definitions vary...


There is all this talk of basics, in education... as in "the children must learn the basics, reading, writing and math." What does that even mean?!
And does basic, reading, writing, and math really require 13 years in an institution to learn? It has been shown, time and again that these basic skills can be learned in approximately 100 hours, when a learner is ready and motivated!!

~Did you know that it was recently reported that 40% of fourth graders in bc are not reading at grade level? So what is going on? By 4th grade literally, hundreds of hours would have been spent in school, supposedly learning "the basics!"

~Could the flaw reside in the definition of "grade level"?


***If nearly HALF of students are not where they "should" be, is it possible that the expectations themselves are flawed?? Is it possible that "readiness and motivation" is being overlooked?
...and even if it were taken into account how can one teacher adequately meet each learner where they are at?!

It reminds me of when I was pregnant with my son, and we were planning a home birth. There was no shortage of people calling us BRAVE, or selfish, or foolish. To me though, the mothers laboring and birthing in the hospital were BRAVE.... with the monitors, and the hospital beds, and the limits on movement, eating, bathing... their trust handed to well-trained professionals.


Back to BRAVERY.... I'm feeling like leaving "the basics", by either of these definitions, to someone else would be truly BRAVE.

I know that there are people
who think unschooling is
selfish, foolish, or even down right lazy!
I am totally okay with them thinking whatever they like....
while I am busy following my children's lead;
watching out for signs of readiness and curiosity,
finding and playing learning games,
making sure of opportunities to play with other kids,
finding mentors
supporting them
in learning dance, art, music,
or anything else they feel is important for them,
reading stories and bible stories,
exploring nature....
laughing and laughing and laughing till it hurts!


Our life of unschooling is a full and happy life!
And I guess if having all this fun with my kids,
when they could be in school is brave....
then I guess I'm BRAVE too!

how we got to this unschooling place

It occurred to me that I spend a great deal of time writing about this thing we call unschooling. I write about it's philosophies and how positively it has effected my family. My writing has been somewhat impersonal. Distant.
I would like to share with you how we got to this place, because it was not the obvious choice and has not been without it's challenges. In fact, there have been a few occasions I need to remind myself why this is the path we have chosen. (I will warn you, this is long...)



When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was a pretty conventional mama. I had a doctor. I birthed Olivia in the hospital in a rather artificial way. (which I will save for a later post) I tried to breastfeed, but alas, breastfeeding was not going to happen for us. As is the story for so many moms. So like so many moms, she drank formula. And I continued reading the common, average parenting books. Listening to the advice of anyone who would give it.

I was a mama who was very unsure how to mama. I was lost. I made a lot of "mistakes".

As she was becoming a toddler my husband and I happened to read the story of the bible character, Daniel. In the story, Daniel and his 3 companions are taken as captives to Babylon. In Babylon, the king orders that they be a part of the education system in Babylon. The king strips them of the names given to them by their parents and gives them names related to the Babylonian deities. He tries to make them change their diet. In the school, they are required to learn all about the Babylonian ways; their language, their holidays, their gods. The education system in this bible story did everything it could to strip the boys of their identity.


My heart hurt for these boys. In exploring the story with my husband, a few things jumped out at us as note worthy.

1. The goal of this education system was to strip the boys of their identity, to force them to learn what the government thought valuable. Ideally, the king wanted to integrate these boys into their way of life. We noticed the similarities to our current educational system. Trying to create cookie-cutter children- dressing alike, thinking alike, celebrating alike. I did not like the idea of my child being a part of a system whose goal was to mold her mind; to make it fit in with this world's ways. I also reasoned that at 5 years old there wouldn't be much of an identity for them to strip away, before inculcating her with this worlds culture.

2. The boys were teen-agers when they were taken captive. Before being taken, it is quite likely that they had many years spent with their family; learning from their parents, and others in the community who cared about them; others who shared their way of life; and their values. The boys in the story succeed in keeping their identity, and I suspect that the large amount of time spent with their families before being taken captive helped to create strong bonds and a strong foundation of beliefs and values. Their way of life would have been "inculcated" in them daily for at least 13 years, before this separation.

3. The boys were taken captive, against their will, and against the will of their parents. Their parents did not say, "this will be good for them, this will make them stronger." They were not willingly sent.

At this point, I knew I would not be sending my child to school. It didn't feel right. I wasn't sure what that meant we would do yet. Just that she wouldn't be going.

I gave birth to my son about a year before Olivia was to start kindergarten. I had come along way as a mama. I birthed him at home with midwives, my hubby, Olivia, my sister, and my close friend. I was confident. I knew who I was at this parenting gig. We co-slept. We nursed. (until he turned 4) We massaged one another. We loved. We were together.

The month before I was to register Olivia for a homeschool program, I had doubts.

Life was challenging with two children. My house was always a mess. I was exhausted. A good deal of the time, my body hurt and I had no clue as to why. The idea of someone else watching my child a few hours a day was kind of appealing.

~I questioned whether I had been over thinking it before. ~I questioned whether keeping her home with me would be taking on too much.

A friend of mine had put her son in school the previous year; she told me that 2 children, in this elementary school had been sent home for having oral sex at the school! I didn't know which part of this story shocked me the most. I felt sick.

Also, her son had been having some struggles with the work he was given to do; the school was wanting to label him with some disorder to explain his difficulties. This all sounded terrible.

~What if my daughter was exposed to kids engaging in these kinds of activities? ~What if she had trouble with the curriculum?
~Would they want to label her too?

My husband said, "Look, I know, you know what you really want to do. So do it. And stop worrying. We will work it out." Little did I know what a life altering statement that would be...

After a lot of searching, I came across a home-school that gave the children choices about what they would learn. All the subjects were mashed together in work-booklets that had been prepared on various topics. Butterflies, dinosaurs, cats.... The teacher was very nice, and the borrowing library was pretty big. The school said Olivia would have $800 to put towards lessons. This sounded good. A month or so into the school year, we were feeling the weight of my health problems and our huge mortgage.
~We wanted to make sure of what was now very important to us.


We sold our house, bought a cheaper townhouse that needed some serious renovations before we could move in. Our family moved in with my in-laws. Obviously, this provided a new set of challenges. But my in-laws were incredibly hospitable to have us! And they supported me in taking care of my kids. I really needed and appreciated the help. Eventually, we got moved into our new home, and I found that a gluten-free diet vastly improved my health. We switched to the home-school program offered in our new town. The workbooks were similar, the teacher was nice; and we were able to be a part of the group art, drama, and science activities offered locally. Also, this new school offered Olivia $1200 for recreational lessons.


There is no easy way to say this. The workbooks were boring. Olivia was expected to do about 4 worksheets per day, on various things. A lot of it was skills she already had a handle on, so they were boring; some of them were beyond her abilities, and were frustrating; and a lot of them were simply irrelevant to her life. Our "school-work" time quickly turned into a power struggle, with plenty of tears to go around. This was not working. I was beginning to feel that I was out of options.



My husband happened to come home with two books for me; he had stumbled on them, discounted for $2 each. Both were about home-schooling, from what he could tell. One was "De-schooling Our Lives"- a collection of articles from various writers; the other was "Dumbing Us Down" by John Taylor Gatto. I love reading, and dove in. In the first one I read article after article about this thing called "unschooling", and stories from families who had done this mysterious thing; and something called a "free school" where children were free to learn whatever they wanted, however they wanted. This all sounded very new and wild. Crazy! I came across an article by John Holt in this book. This is one of my favorite quotes from him:

"This faith is that by nature people are learning animals.
Birds fly; fish swim; humans think and learn.
Therefore, we do not need to motivate children into learning
by wheedling, bribing, or bullying.
We do not need to keep picking away at their minds
to make sure they are learning.
What we need to do - and all we need to do -
is to give children as much help and guidance as they need and ask for,
listen respectfully when they feel like talking,
and then get out of the way.
We can trust them to do the rest."

It felt like a fire was lit in my heart. This wild, crazy, trusting thing called "unschooling" felt true.
Indeed, my child had learned to walk and talk on her own, and in her own way. I observed that in the times we weren't struggling about "home work" she was playing and learning happily. ~Could this really work? It felt scary. I approached my husband about it. He was not interested in reading the books; this idea sounded way out there to him too. I think it felt scary to him too. He said he trusted me; and he was willing to give it a try for a certain amount of time; provided that he could still see that she was learning.

~Would she learn to read? write? Oh no, how on earth would she learn math?! This was an overwhelming and exciting place to be.

So here I was- public school was out of the question; and now home school was over too.
~Where exactly did that leave us?

I wasn't sure. I told Olivia that for the remainder of the year I would not be forcing her to do her homework, providing that she could explain to her teacher why she wasn't doing them. She did. "They are kind of boring. I didn't want to do them anymore." It made me smile, and I felt proud of her. She was able to begin to re-claim her right to learning.

Over the summer break I read "Dumbing Us Down". My mind and heart sucked it all in. This book was written by New York's "Teacher Of The Year". He outlined from his experience what lessons the school system he was working in were Really teaching. Many of the lessons being the downright opposite of the lessons most parents would want their children learning. Lessons on confusion, position, indifference, emotional and intellectual dependency, provisional self-esteem, and lack of privacy. He explained the difference between "education" and "learning".

One of the things I came across in "dumbing us down" that made the biggest impression on me was a breakdown of kids time: "Out of 168 hours in a week my children (his students) sleep 56. That leaves 112 hours a week out of which to fashion a self..... children watch 55 hours of television a week. That leaves them with 57 hours in a week in which to grow up. My children attend school 30 hours a week, use about 8 hours getting ready and traveling to and from school.... average 7 hour per week in homework- a total of 45 hours..... that leaves them 12 hours a week out of which to create a unique consciousness...." it continues to factor in eating time, and time in extra curricular activities.

I started to think about my own children and their time. Their precious time. Out of 168 hours in a week, my children sleep 70 hours, leaving 98 awake hours. If I gave 30 to the school.... and 6 getting ready for school, and 6 doing homework, a total of 42 hours per week, Isn't that the same amount of time an adult puts into a full-time job? That would leave me with a mere 56 hours per week to just BE with my children. Take away time that I am distracted, cleaning, cooking, or persuing my other interests; or time my children spend at friends houses, or time watching tv. At best, I would get to spend a mere 14 hours per week more time with my children than the school.

Now what? Someone told me it was legal to write a letter to the school board stating that you were teaching your child yourself. So perhaps, this is what I would do. Write a letter stating that I would like to raise my own child.
That I would like to use my right to teach my own.

Sometime in that summer someone told me about a "homeschool" who supported "unschooling". After a lot of meditation, I enrolled her. When the lady who was to be our "learning consultant" called us; I was very upfront about what I wanted our year to look like. Free. No pressure. No boring workbooks. Would that be okay? Yes! Was the answer I got. I was still unsure of how this would work. I just just knew that the below was what I hoped for:

"Whatever an education is, it should make you a unique individual, not a conformist; it should furnish you with an original spirit with which to tackle the big challenges; it should allow you to find values which will be your road map through life; it should make you spiritually rich, a person who loves whatever you are doing, wherever you are, whomever you are with; it should teach you what is important: how to live and how to die."~John Taylor Gatto

In all honesty, that was merely the beginning of our unschooling journey. We have had many challenges since then, but I will save them for another day...