Monday, May 11, 2015

we have lice... don't lie - i know you want some too

With two kids in a wide variety of public activities we have had the extreme pleasure of dealing with lice Three times now!! Aren't we lucky?! We are in the third time as we speak and I am inspired to share my wisdom because I know deep down you want lice too!!

So here's my step-by-step guide to how to have the most fun possible as a mom. Really, if you have just found a lice bug- be happy because your life is going to be EXTRA awesome for the next 5 weeks or so.

STEP 1: Loose your CRAP. Seriously. Hide in the bathroom. Call a girlfriend. Cry. Throw a fit. (of excitement of course) because you have just won the lottery of fun. This takes me about an hour but if this is your first time, feel free to give yourself a day or so :D Feel free to revisit this one every so often ;)

STEP 2: Blame someone. It's human nature, you will want to blame someone. As you are sitting there searching for microscopic blood sucking devil spawn you will be thinking "where did they come from? Gymnastics? Music? Bowling? School? Their friends?...Someone must pay." You will never know where they truly come from, except planet earth, but go ahead and mentally blame some place or something if that makes you feel better.... Which brings us to....

STEP 3: (My personal favorite because of the awkward-factor) Buckle up, you get to phone everyone your kids have been in close contact with and explain that they need to be checked for lice, why??... because this is the best part of the mom-gig, that's why!

STEP 4: So much laundry. Channel someone in your life who is ultra clean and organized, now be them. Be excited that all your clothes and linens are getting cleaned all at the same time. The laundry mat works great for this if you have an extra 10-20 bucks. All those heaps of clothes that have been stacking up in your daughters closet... they get cleaned, and the pillows, and the blankets. Everything all nice and fresh. YAY. And you will sleep awesome because this is exhausting. Double yay. So you may as well celebrate that too. (also you get to throw out all your hair stuff, or pour boiling soapy water over it and hope it works... don't even think about cleaning that plastic brush in tea tree oil- it will melt it like butter, very sticky dirty black butter. yum.)

part B: You also get to start the bedtime routine early so that you can strip the beds and throw everything in the dryer for 45 minutes before tuck-in time. Every night. Can you say AWESOME??! You should, cause who does love getting into a warm bed??

STEP 5: Choose your method of attack. Chemicals. Oils. Combs. More chemicals. Tears. Fire. Hahaha... seriously though, as delirium sets in you will find yourself daydreaming about ways to obliterate these bugs and their ever-stubborn literally super-glued-to-your-hair bugs. I have considered shaving my head on more than one occasion on account of this. I shave my son's head; and my husband is naturally invincible ;) (read: not many places for the little suckers to hide). I treat myself and my daughter with tea tree and lavender in our shampoo, then in oil we put in our hair. We rinse with vinegar as its supposed to loosen the glue from the eggs.

STEP 6: this is the BEST ONE! You don't want to miss this!! Put on a movie and USE A HAIR STRAIGHTENER!!! In one of my death-dealing daydreams I began thinking "if only i could burn them with fire.... wait a minute... a hair straightener would be just about the same...." AND IT WORKS. Like. a. BOSS.
Go through the hair slowly and straighten from root to tip. The eggs tend to be close to the scalp, so get as close as you can. Bonus: if you spot a live bug, you get to choose to grab it or fry it! Obviously if it's on your kids actual scalp... maybe don't fry it as it'll hurt your child whom you still love. Have a bowl or sink of hot soapy water and a paper towel handy so if you grab a live bug you can drown his ass. I know this sounds gross, but trust me, the gross factor will subside as delirium and desperation set in. *** We continue with the shampooing, oils, straightening, hot dryer routine every other day for about 1-2 weeks or until we stop seeing any signs of lice or eggs. We keep checking weekly though for at least 5 weeks *** Yay! Did I say Yay yet?

BONUS: For added fun I sport what I lovingly refer to as "Lice Bun"... It looks something like this and it protects the public as you do the important mom-type tasks if you have no one else to send:

Remember: I smell heavily of tea tree and lavender at this point and my hair is slick with oil! It is as though I am saying "Hey world! I have lice and I'm so stoked about it, nothing's getting me down. Being a mom is amaze-balls all the time!" Contrast this with Lice Bun (below) at 2-3 weeks, notice the bags from all the FUN. You can feel it, can't you. I know you want some too.


STEP... THE NEXT ONE: Actually, this is more of a request: ***PLEASE don't be the jerk who sends your kids out into public with lice. I know it's fun and you want to share but instead think of this as bonding time. You get to watch movies and "play" with each others hair. You get to make fond memories that will be forever recalled with phases like "hey mom, remember that time we had lice? That was awesome." But seriously, watch some shows, eat some junk, sleep in warm fresh beds, play boardgames, and make the best of this essential parenting experience, and keep the FUN to yourself!

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