rising up

one of my favorite artists says "we are all pulling a boat over a mountain" and i love it. this beautiful visual of a lonely soul, alone, pulling a boat over a mountain. and it brings up a feeling i have a lot lately. that of a full plate. a mouth that has bitten off more than one can chew.


i think of where i am at now, and where i was when i was 20, 25... 26. i think of who i was then, and who i have become. the ways in which i have grown. at 25 i began to have a good sense of who i am. and i am always changing. learning. becoming more fluid. or more solid. depending on how you look at it?!


the "boat" is my family. my life. and the "mountain" is the route i've chosen. uphill. not always easy. it is choosing to live my life with my husband, the same guy i fell in love with as a teen. learning how to work things out. how to climb the mountain together. figuring out that i can change and grow ALOT, and that he can still be in love with me. finding out that we can take turns "pulling the boat". the mountain is extended nursing, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, unschooling.... the mountain is trying to create a "natural" growing up for my children in a very un-natural world.

i have had vast periods of time when i needed taking care of. i have had health challenges. still do, to a lesser degree. and my partner took care of me. thankfully. we have had babies and have been learning as we go ever since. and not always agreeing ;) but finding the space to disagree, and still love. i think i have been the "boat" my fair share. i have been pulled up.


i am having to pull more lately, as my partner is facing his own health issues. and it is hard. i'm not gonna lie and say anything else. it's hard seeing him be sick. grieving the loss a life he had. feeling hopeless, and hopefully not alone. every time i take the kids out without him, it feels like a piece of me is missing. a piece of me is sick, at home.

this is just one of many challenges. together we have conquered alot. i think that together is the only way we will rise up from this one as well. and so i'm so tired. and i'm trying to remember who i am. and the life that i value. needing to remember what i value, and recognize how far we've come. needing to rise to the occasion... to love, be kind, forgive, to breathe until i can find more patience than i think i have... to rise up and keep pulling the "boat over the mountain."

(... for 11 years and counting ;) happy anniversary!! xoxo)

the "S" word

alright, this is not a new idea... however, it is worth writing about because it will be new to some, and because i feel it is a powerful, powerful concept.


the 's' word i'm referring to is SHOULD. should is a word of suffering. it causes suffering. should is a word of false beliefs, false hopes.... should says:

i should be a perfect mother
my son should be reading by now
my daughter should be sleeping through the night
my children should be in bed
my husband should be helping me

should says that our reality is not good enough. is not as it SHOULD be. and the people in our life are failing, we are failing, the world is failing. the world be should different. and we suffer. should lies. should gives away our power. should feels hopeless.



COULD on the other hand is a word of infinite possibility. could questions. could encourages. could is kinder. could takes into account that people have limitations.... try it on...

i could be a perfect mother

.... it sounds ridiculous. really? could i be a perfect mother? no, impossible. could i do better? maybe. now there is room for growth, now i can explore the possibilities. could allows me to not feel like a failure, but a real person.

my son could be reading by now

.... okay maybe he could be? couldn't he? alright, but he isn't, so maybe he cant, or maybe he doesn't want to yet.... could helps me explore the possibilities, and gives the power back to my son, gives value to his interests, and limitations.

my daughter could be sleeping through the night

... couldn't she? well, she isn't so maybe she doesn't have that ability yet. what could be waking her? hungry? lonely? scared? tummy hurting? ..... okay obviously my daughter cant sleep right through yet. could helps me to value her as a unique person, with feelings and needs; it helps me accept her limitations.


my children could be in bed.....?
my husband could help more....?


you get the idea.


my motivation for writing this is that it seems that so many people are unaware and unquestioning about their thoughts. our thoughts are powerful things. creating our reality, our emotions. and the truth is our thoughts lie to us. they tell us things that are untrue, and we suffer because of it. our thoughts need to be questioned. we have the power to change our thoughts, and therefore our emotions.
so try it, file the 's' word with all the other curse words... replace it with could... replace it with questions. replace it with love, and happiness will follow.