this too shall pass.....

i am looking back, and i am thinking 'this too shall pass' has earned its saying-status by being pretty wise. really, as a parent, 'this too shall pass' allows one to zoom-out from a situation. how often do we get so upset by something our child has done, or won't do?? given some time though, the upset is gone, everyone has moved on....

so why do we get so upset?

i was so upset when my first child couldn't/wouldn't breastfeed; because "breast is best", and i was convinced it would just 'work' for me. all the drugs, herbs, pumping, and support in the world didn't make my breasts make milk, and they didn't cure my daughters tongue-tie either. and then she was allergic to the cow's milk formula, so she was on soy. and then when she was 3 years old i learned all kinds of terrible things about soy formula. and i was so upset. why hadn't i known??

during that same time period i also learned a lot about natural birth, and home birth while working as a doula. again i was so upset. Why hadn't i known these things??

similar things have happened throughout my new life as a parent. upset about dietary stuff, sleeping stuff, behavioral stuff..... why isn't she sleeping through the night yet? why does she have that patch of eczema? why is she whining so much? why doesn't she want to do these worksheets from the school? why doesn't she know how to read yet? UPSET! always a reason to be upset.....

now that i've zoomed-out..... she did start sleeping through the night, as soon as i started sleeping with her; her patch of eczema was from food sensitivities and 'it' along with the sensitivities cleared up; she was whining because we had a new baby, and she wanted/needed to whine, i guess she had alot to whine about; and it turns out the worksheets were boring!! and she was leading me to unschooling- which is a far better way for her and our family; and for all my fretting about her learning to read, she learned to read this year, when she was ready to.... all my upset in the world didn't make any of it different.

What if we have the ability to parent from a 'zoomed-out' place to begin with?? What if we could connect with "this too shall pass" while we are tired, sad, annoyed, frustrated?? What if i could connect with the knowledge that my child has a reason?? maybe i don't even have to know what the reason is... maybe just knowing they have a reason, and giving credit to that reason will avoid me some heartache. avoid some needless upset... what if?

it has. unschooling has transformed my life as a parent, and as a person. i no longer get upset about biological things. i have learned. my children will eat. my children will sleep. and they will learn. no controlling or upset needed!

i used to be so obsessed with what food was going into their mouths!! i've let that go, and amazing things have happened. yes, they did consider gum and ice cream to be suitable breakfast choices as most people would predict!! but they also learned how crappy their body felt when they ate that for breakfast, and they don't choose to eat that for a meal the majority of the time. in fact, my 4yo son asks me if food is nutritious now, before he eats it!
now SLEEP! who hasn't gotten upset about their children when it comes to sleep?! i read so many books on kids and sleep; tried so many things.... but guess what? kids sleep. babies sleep. they do. whether they want to or not; whether we get upset about it or not. Sleep is a biological function. it is unavoidable. so what happens when you stop getting upset about sleep?..... the kids sleep. LOL they might go to sleep later, like mine. they might sleep in later, like mine. they might start sharing a bed with each other or with you. they might start talking to you about why they didnt want to go to sleep. maybe they were feeling scared, lonely, or left out.... but what about that important "couple-time" we have all come to expect in the evening? surely we are deserving of that..... (are you sensing my sarcasm?? what if having children makes us deserving of having to be parents to our children 24/7? even when we are tired? even when we don't want to anymore?) ..... what if telling our children we want time alone tonight worked?.... what if we said to our kids "we want to spend some time together, without kids tonight; so what are you going to do upstairs while we are hanging out down here?" What if our kids figure that is a valid request because we have modeled valuing their opinions and requests? what if they happily play or watch a movie while i get to enjoy time with my hubby?....

my point is, i let go. now instead of trying to control the people around me, i control myself. if i feel UPSET about something. i try to figure out why. why am i upset? .... okay, my kids are fighting, i feel upset. why am i upset? the fighting is loud. it is upsetting the peace. and my kids shouldn't be fighting with each other.... right? is that true? .....
i fought with my sister.... we fought alot..... i learned alot from those fights.... i learned about friendship, and how to work out disagreements.... maybe my kids should fight, maybe they are fighting to learn these things too....
maybe they need support in working things out from a person who isn't upset.... maybe i can be that person...

so i dare you to zoom-out.... to give credit to "this too shall pass".... to stop fighting the reality of what is.... to start living with what IS... instead of what we think should be.... to let go!!! to start transforming our frustration into happiness.... into love... to realize that it is all about learning from each of these experiences, we learn! and our children learn.... and we all learn together!

doing what i love....

okay, so i do all this talking about how useless forced education is.
i really believe what i say; we all have different gifts and talents.
we should do what we love.
every time i have done that, i have felt wonderful in every way, except financially. lol. kind of ironic, i think.
so here i go again, Doing What I LOVE!!
Creating jewelry with my daughter; creating crocheted art of all kinds... and i feel great about it.
Creating feels fulfilling.... and i'm supporting birthing mama's again.... and i'm mentoring and being mentored....
this time i would like to make some money from it too...
yup, i'm putting it out there.
i don't want or expect much; but it would be nice if there was money available when things come up that we need... or want for that matter....
i want to walk what i talk. so i'm doing what i love....
and i hope others will love what i am doing too!

power of music

i am in absolute amazement at the power of music.
in a state of anxiety....
gone.
melted away
music
violins, guitars, voice
could i just live in a musical world?
a soundtrack just there.
beautiful.
reflective...
how can it perfectly communicate emotion?
even without words
what else can do that?
sometimes eyes... maybe
but with music it is the transfer of emotion
so powerful.
close my eyes and drift.

what i've learned from BEing family...

it seems to be an appropriate day to reflect on family. the things i've learned and the things i'm thankful for. being a part of my family has been like being schooled in life. schooled in what it means to be family. schooled on love and forgiveness.

i've learned what it means to put love first; to put the relationship first.
i've learned that kids can grow-up with friendly parent-child relationships.
i've seen what it looks like for adult children to have a friendship with their parents.
i've seen how much it hurts when they lose one of those parents.
i've learned alot about forgiveness;
and the endless perspectives to anything.
and that everyone is just doing their best.
i've learned to say sorry ;)
i've learned that cousins can be like siblings.
i've learned that family can support each other even if they disagree about what they are supporting.
i've learned that i can be honest. even when it's scary.
i've learned about boys.
i've learned about brothers :p
noisy and rough, and never stop playing, they can be loyal and protective, and incredibly funny.
i've learned that they like barbies and tea parties too!
and that they are every bit as emotional as us women.
i have learned that men can cook, and do dishes and grocery shop! and make fantastic chocolate!
i've learned about me.
i've learned about my many, many imperfections.
i've learned that i can wake-up to dishes and nothing terrible comes of it.
and i can step over toys. and i can pick up toys.
actually, i can do all kinds of things.
i've learned that love has nothing to do with control.
i have learned about girls. and being a mother to a daughter. and friend to a daughter.
friend to son.
i've learned about birth and my body.
i've learned that kids are wise; learners and teachers.
of freedom, honesty, and creativity.
i've learned that family also includes people not bonded to me by blood.
i've learned about joy, and hurt and tears and comfort.
i've learned about fear.
and acceptance.
i've learned more about hockey and hunting than i probably ever needed to know.
i've learned that super-heros are super-cool.
Mostly, i've learned what it is to be a family, from being part of a family.
a really awesome family.
i've learned gratitude.
~living and loving~

beyond "correct".... time to develop our gifts

what is the point of public school? really what is their goal? a seemingly "correct" answer is to educate our youth, right? okay, so everyday our children get up bright and early, much like a working adult does, whether they want to or not. They go to the school where they learn the prescribed curriculum, right? doesn't matter if their brain is ready for the prescribed information- they are going to learn it, because it is good for them, right? after all they are just little children, how will they know what is good for them unless we tell them? unless we make them learn the "correct" answers. we know best. we went to school, and we are just fine. and so we send them there, because that is where children go to learn.

And so day after day, our beautiful, naturally-gifted children get shipped of to a place to spend equal amounts of time in english, math, science, socials and physical education; Because they need to be forced to learn all the important things, and someone decided that the above subjects are the most important subjects. we as parents buy that. we buy that the system knows the "correct" information to teach; and the most effective way to teach it. We believe our children need to be taught. I think it's crap. And i'm going to tell you why.

This is part of our story:
My daughter started kindergarten with a home school program. now what i mean by "homeschool" is school at home. We had a teacher we met with every week or two; various workbooks containing the all important curriculum. She even attended a science class at the school. The school required that she do 4 pages of her workbook per day, that's not much, right? Well, it is if you're 5 years old and have better things to do than a boring workbook. A workbook that was largely full of stuff she already knew, and not full of anything you consider important or relevant to your life. Now many an adult would say, "who cares what she thinks? who cares if she doesn't want to do it? she needs to learn this stuff! and she needs to learn to do things she doesn't enjoy! How would she know what is best for her? She is a child." Part way through the frustration and power-struggle of that year i read about something called unschooling. everything i read about it felt awe-inspiring; it felt so natural. We returned the workbook to the school "incomplete", my daughter explained that the workbooks were boring. I trusted that she knew best.

That moment we started our unschooling adventure. Now this is going to sound shocking, but i'm not going to hold back. For "english" my daughters goal was to NOT learn how to read!! okay.... and so we enjoyed chapter books together. Interesting, glorious chapter books full of adventures that couldn't be told in the short books that would have been prescribed to teach her to read. For "math", i don't think there was a goal at all. For science?? well, she loves animals and nature, so she just kept on doing what she loved. Taking care of her cats, leopard gecko, fish, and hermit crabs. We explored the beach and tide pools, we spent time in nature. We loved nature videos, and explored a kids encyclopedia about the human body and how it works, to find answers to her questions about the body. Socials? She was drawn to learning about Africa, so we did. From this grew her concern for social injustice. We watched countless documentaries about social injustices and environmental concerns; documentaries that would never be shown in grade 1/2 in public school! PE? no problem! a 5/6 year old is naturally pretty physical!

What did all this naturally occurring learning do for her? for us? it gave her freedom and time! freedom to be the learning-being humans naturally are. and she learned!!! and everything she learned was interesting and relevant to her. We no longer had power-struggles over workbooks. We had friendship, and enjoyable time together. Our learning consultant assessed her learning in science and socials to be at a grade 7 level!! no wonder K-curriculum was "boring".... and i don't think she is a genius, or unusually "smart". I believe she is the norm.
Okay, so even without a curriculum we covered a lot of the "core" subjects; but even more importantly, she had all the TIME in the world to develop her natural gifts and talents.

She is an instinctual and gifted photographer, she won 14 1st place prizes for her photography at 8 yo!! She is a passionate dancer, and is in her third year of dance. She plans on continuing in dance school right through graduation so that she can teach dance. She can design and sew clothing and pillows, without a pattern, and without instruction! She designs some of the most beautiful jewelry I have ever seen; and is now selling it online and plans to sell it at the farmer's market through this summer!! She is empathetic, and gives an amazing massage, and is learning reflexology!! She is a confident, gifted, happy girl; and I believe that she is not extra-ordinary; i believe that she is the norm. Only she has been given the gift of freedom to develop her passions; to channel her energy into whatever she wants.

Can you imagine? We have a school system full of gifted, talented children, who are having their time and freedom stolen from them so they can all learn the same information. So they can have the "correct" answers and the "correct" knowledge. How many artist, dancers, photographers, carpenters, mechanics, chefs, farmers, gardeners, designers do we have locked away in school? wasting their valuable time, wasting their inherent curiosity; learning that the teacher is the keeper of all the important knowledge; that they must learn what the teacher teaches before they can be successful; before they can pursue their passions. That their curiosity can wait.... in fact, so can their hungry tummy, and their need to use the restroom. Learning that they must be "taught"; not that they are designed to learn.

Reading and writing became relevant to my daughter's life this year- she is 9 years old. This would be obscene in the school system; she would be labeled with ADD or dyslexia, or any number of "learning disabilities". I would have been told that she needed to "work harder" or that she needed after school tutoring. I would have been reminded of the lie that children must learn to read as young as possible or they may never learn. I may have been to to medicate her. They may have infected me with unnecessary worry and doubt; they may have infected my daughter with self-doubt and false beliefs about her abilities.
She has learned to read the same way she learned to walk. Naturally, organically, and largely by herself. I was there to support her, to answer her questions, to find books with her that looked interesting; to encourage her. Often, my answer to her questions have been "What do you think?" She would think, she would guess, she would tentatively answer.... and I would nod and smile as encouragingly as i could. Her answers and guesses have not always been "correct", but she has found her way. She gained something else from learning to read by herself; she owns this accomplishment!! It was a huge challenge for her, and SHE did it. SHE gets the credit, I do not get the credit; some teacher does not get the credit for being the "keeper" of the knowledge, the "impart-er" of skills.
Similar things have happened with math. Money has made math relevant. Sewing, beading, and cooking all require math skills. She does know math, almost instinctively. And it's amazing!

so what do you think? What are your gifts and talents? what things did you have to wait until graduation to have time and freedom to learn? what have you learned by yourself? what have you learned that is beyond "correct"?

things i love the most....

i will be writing about the things i love the most.... my kids, my husband, unschooling, natural birthing, natural living, gluten-free & veggie cooking, creating art music and love, honest moments and vivid memories... hopefully i will be brave enough to share my dreams, fears, and passions...
i am aspen mama because i love trees ~ my children are named after trees ~ strong and courageous, peaceful, charitable, life-giving trees ~ i needed a tree too! so Aspen is mine, pretty much sums up my motivations and life. as i became a young adult, i was full of fears; my life was stuck in those fears until the birth of my daughter... she has forced me to face my fears and keep on growing. the life i live now holds some similarities to the life i was raised to life, but it has become my own to choose.
hopefully i will be sharing some of our unschooling adventures, and be brave enough to share some of my hopes, fears, dreams.... more to come....