Aspen mama

Wealthy with Gratitude

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 06:10:00 +0000

***This is the post where I cheese it up and write all the "typical" things poor people go on about. You know, all the stuff about how we're so rich in other ways. yup, that's what this is.***

But first, zoom out, go to big picture. On a global scale, we are not even close to poor. Not even close.

We own our home! Not a shmancy home. A town home, big enough for us to each have our own bedrooms. Big enough to house my art studio. Not huge, not fancy; but enough.
How many people do NOT have that? It's incredibly sad to be aware of; and we, here in Canada are considered poor. I have relatively new flooring, and freshly painted walls. We have indoor plumbing; a roof that doesn't leak, and heat. But we are so hard done by?

We have healthy, organic food everyday. Three meals worth, and quite a few snacks too. I consider us so blessed. The poorest we've been was a few years ago, when we were down to a can of sardines, and a pack of crackers. Not even kidding. We gave thanks for it; and unbelievably, even the kids ate it. The next morning, not one, but two family members brought us food. No one knew we had run out; and yet now we had food. More than a little faith strengthening.

We have clothes. Not always new, not always the best; but a few times a year we do all get something new. And we're all pretty happy with that. Friends and family are kind and generous enough to hand-me-down to us, and we're thankful. Their giving helps make our life better. (I wonder what the appearance conscious teen I used to be would think of that?!)

I'm thankful to have spirituality in my life;
to guide me, provide hope and cushion fears -
helps us try to keep our priorities in order.
I'm thankful to be able to spend the majority of my time with my family everyday.

I get to be the one to witness my littles growing up.

I get to hear their questions, and search for answers with them. I get to see the moment it all comes together and makes sense. I get to play with them, and pray with them. I get to tuck them good-night.

Our family is blessed enough to have all our needs met; both spiritually and materially. So while some would definitely consider us poor, I feel rich with gratitude!

"I Could Never Do That..."

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 04:10:00 +0000

"I Could Never Do That..."

"I could never homeschool or unschool"

"I could never eat gluten-free"

"I could never have a homebirth, co-sleep, or nurse well into toddlerhood"

"I couldn't stand it if my husband were home all the time on a disability, while I worked part-time"

"I Could Never"
I've heard this phrase many times, have you? Sometimes I hear it in my own head. In fact, most of the above I have heard in my own head, at some time; and yet these are some of the things I have done that I am the most proud of, and the most thankful to have done.

This has me thinking, maybe "I could never do that" serves a purpose. Maybe it's us challenging ourselves. Maybe it's us saying to ourselves "Would I want to do that? Would I value that in my life? Would I have the circumstances to do that?" Maybe it's us, taking an idea and making a judgement on it for ourselves personally. And maybe some personal growth comes from that. Maybe whatever it is doesn't fit into what we would envision for our life; or maybe it could; or maybe it already does. Maybe "I could never do that" isn't as final as it sounds, if a persons mind is up to questioning it's truth.

When I hear my internal voice say "I could never do that" I tend to answer myself with a bunch of questions. "Is that really true? Could I honestly not do that? What would happen if I did?" And eventually sometimes the answer is "Well, sure of course I could do that." or "Maybe I just don't want to".

This is what I feel is the sad part; I think that sometimes when someone's internal voice says "I could never do that", and we believe it, and we are selling ourselves short.

~

We are each made so incredibly beautiful, capable of so many things. Why limit ourselves with "I could never"?

We've also been given this beautiful gift of freedom to write our own stories; sometimes "I could never" is stealing our freedom.

So these are the kinds of conversations I have with myself. (As if you needed that peak into Crazy-town!)
But here's the thing, sometimes, I hear "I could never do that" from others. It's as if they are hearing what I'm doing, and their internal dialogue of "I could never do that" spills out. Not to be offensive, but sometimes hearing that can feel a little, um, discouraging... yeah, let's go with that.

I bring this up because most recently I've been hearing "I could never do that" in relation to adoption. That's right. I said it: adoption. Go ahead a take a moment to digest that. Admittedly, it's HUGE. It's a gigantic, life-altering chapter that we are choosing to write into the story of our life.

Adoption is an active process of jumping through hoops, (and more hoops) to qualify. It means we are opening ourselves up spiritually, emotionally, and physically to welcoming a new member of our family.

When we began this process, I was feeling pretty private about it; not telling very many people because I anticipated all the variations of "I could never do that" that I could be hearing. I wanted to block out any discouragement coming my way. I didn't want to hear the not-so-great experiences people hear or have had. (Why are we so quick to share the sad stories? Is it a warning? Is it meant to say "Listen, you are investing and risking a lot, and you could fail"... as though we are not acutely aware of that already?) I wanted to protect my heart from those who would be unsupportive. But here's the thing, this process has involved my heart, mind and emotions. It's in my conversations and even my dreams.

This is me, taking the scary leap of openness. We are expecting! This is exciting news! So for goodness sakes, Please be happy for us! I feel so grateful to have many friends have been super-supportive.

I'm finding this process very similar to pregnancy. We are bonding with the idea of our new child, as any family would be. Granted, it's a different process; we are opening our hearts to many outcomes: a boy or girl, of many races, and under the age of 5. A child who may have had something of a life before us. A child who needs a loving family. Evidently, this sounds crazy to some.
I'm going to be brutally honest, mostly the unsupportive responses consist of a mix of *silence* and concerns about money.... sometimes with a sad story about ministry involvement thrown in for good measure.... and of course no conversation about anything out-of-the-box would be complete without "I could never do that." *Please, don't think of me as being hostile about this. I just want to put it out there, that none of these are helpful responses.*

Our family has purposely built a very happy out-of-the-box life by doing what others swear they could never. And that's cool, cause we all get to participate in the writing of our own story. I'm sure I would have a really hard time living another persons story.... (one of school and curriculum, and full time work...) but I could, if I had to, or if those things were things I chose.

I do have one "I could never".

I could never close off my heart to a child who needs a family, if it was in my power and ability to give them one. I have never stopped imagining our third child coming to us through adoption. We have always, as long as we've been a couple, held that in our hearts and minds as being of so much value. It has always been in the works for us. So as much as you could never... I guess I have one too. And now it's in the open.

Through the eyes of a child...

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 21:08:00 +0000

Since becoming a parent, I have developed this pesky habit of seeing the world through my children's eyes. Unfortunately (or fortunately), it can sometimes inspire a passionate post such as this one, advocating for children.....

I have re-written this post I recently saw on facebook. When I saw this I felt deeply disturbed by it. Here is my re-write:

I have made a promise to myself that I will not be a spanking parent;

I will be a respectful parent.

I will try to see the world through your eyes and have empathy for your experience of life.

I will view my role as your parent as a sacred honor to be lived up to.

As the adult, with more experience I will choose to control my impulses to hit, yell, or humiliate.

I will be creative and learn to communicate my feelings and hopes.

I will try to understand and be respectful of your limits and my own.

I will try to create an environment of Love and Respect so that Love and Respect are what you know.

I will try to lead by example.

I will not blindly accept the parenting script passed down to me, I will question it,

and write my own.

I am sure you will make plenty of mistakes, we all do.

You will have lessons to learn, we all do.

I hope that you will trust me enough, to share your life with me.

That when you make mistakes, you will trust me to treat you with kindness,

so you will not be sneaky.

I hope that you will be open to receiving my guidance.

I know that you will not always like what I have to say, and I will do my best to be okay with that.

I will be open to learning from you, because I have learned that you have a lot to teach me.

I purpose to live a mutually respectful life with you, because

my connection with you is so incredibly important to me.

My hope that you will choose for me to be a part of your adult life, because I am your parent (noun). And I love and respect you.

My mother told me that we were firstly God's children; that we were on lend to her AND that she would have to be accountable for how she treated His children. *That's wisdom*

I think part of the reason I feel bothered by the trend of posts humiliating children and condoning disrespectful treatment, is that I can't figure what the motivation is for this kind of thinking. The basic message seems to be "this is how I was raised, and I'm fine". Combined with an underlining feeling of frustration with one's children. This seems to be a call for parents to pat each other on the back, and give each other approval.

I would feel ashamed if my adult children use the word "survived" in relation to the way I treated them; I would prefer for them to feel that they "thrived".

Not so long ago, when Olivia was maybe 5 or so, a few of the unschooling mothers called me out on sending her for "time-outs." They didn't call it abuse, or anything like that. I had reasoned, at least I wasn't spanking! These Strong mothers did ask me some questions; I'm thankful that they were brave enough to speak up on behalf of my daughter.

*What was going in her life that she was struggling?
*What exactly did I think she was thinking about while crying in her room?
*Did I really believe she was thinking about the "wrong" she had done?
*Or was she wondering why the person she loved and trusted the most was sending her away, withholding love and attention from her?
*Did she have the ability to do what I was expecting of her?
*Did she feel loved and valued by the way I was treating her?

I felt terrible. I had been awakened to seeing discipline through her eyes; awakened to seeing myself through her eyes.

I can't help but I wonder how this kind of parenting will look through the eyes of our children as they become more aware?

I wonder if they will wonder why so few people spoke up on their behalf?

~

The Beginning of Liv

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 03:11:00 +0000

My daughter, Olivia, is nearly 12, and I have never written her birth story. I have written countless birth stories for other families. But I've not written my own.

My son's birth story I'll save for another day. His story I remember in great detail, and have told and re-told to him with pleasure. Putting Liv's story down, quite honestly feels really scary to remember, and to share.

Perhaps, it's because I was a very different person then.

Perhaps, it's because what I remember was not at all what I believe birth to be about. Perhaps, it's because what I remember most

is a mish-mash of doctors, nurses, drugs, IV bags, clocks and fear.

I was 19 when I got pregnant. I knew nothing really about pregnancy, and even less about giving birth. Some of my friends had had babies, but now that it was going to be my turn, I felt terrified at the thought of birthing. I was convinced it would be unbearably painful; a belief that was confirmed by many a horror-birth story.

My pregnancy was far bumpier than I had imagined. I had 9 months of morning sickness. I took small doses of gravol the whole 9 months; except of course for the 2 weeks I took a stronger prescription drug! A drug I knew nothing about; all I knew, was that I liked my doctor, and hated feeling so sick.

I didn't think much more of it than this.

This is who I was,

and where I was,

in my mama-growing.

It's Ironic to think I felt SO guilty over not taking pre-natal vitamins; but felt alright about taking these drugs. Almost all I could keep down was gatorade, simple sugars, poutine, and ice cream! Oh, and the meds of course...

I had the routine ultra sound, and it showed something to be concerned about. It was something called a Chorioangioma. I was told it was a growth on the placenta. A growth made up of blood vessels. A growth that would keep on growing. A growth that could steal blood from my baby; it meant that the baby and I could possibly bleed out at birth.
But of course I was also told not to worry.

I saw an OB for some follow up visits; and was sent to many more ultra sounds to track the tumors growth. I was so scared of a poor outcome; I felt like all I could do was pray.

Pray for a healthy, strong baby.

Pray for healing.

And pray that we would both come out the other side alright.

Secretly, we knew that we were having a girl. I started to call her LIV, meaning "Life" in Scandinavian. In some way, I thought it would keep me focused on giving her Life.

Around the same time, I started having intense pains after I ate. Yet another ultra sound showed that I had developed Gallstones. I was told that often this problem would settle down after the baby was born, but there was a chance I would need surgery after her birth. *sigh* I started needing to take painkillers for the attacks; and was told to avoid all fats. This didn't leave much nutrition-wise, and far more drug-wise than I would have liked; but I knew no other way.

Sometime before 37 weeks, I started having preterm labor and so spent my fair-share of time on bed-rest. At around 38 weeks, there were no signs of labor, and I was now dropping weight. This feels like a big deal when all you've gained is 19 pounds, and you started at only 123 pounds. Our doctor suggested inducing labor and we agreed to it. We had planned on having a natural labor and birth; but at this stage I felt so afraid, and sick, and exhausted.

Somehow, I imagined that the induction would be the only intervention;

somehow I thought having her now would mean we would be okay.

Our doctor advised us that interventions are usually like a set of dominoes, one leading to the next.

I thought, or at least hoped, we would be the exception.

It's really hard to type this, exactly as it truly was because now I can imagine it happening so many different ways. I can imagine making different decisions at every turn. I can imagine re-writing the story as it could have been. But that wouldn't be the real story. That's not how it happened.

We went into the hospital on a Thursday morning,

and I had the gel to induce labor. I was monitored for a bit and then sent home. When I say "home" what I mean is a friends house. We were staying with friends cause our home was an hour away. Now here's where it gets blurry. I'm pretty sure I got gelled a second time, and sent "home" for a few more hours.... when we returned to the hospital, not much was happening. I had been having contractions; to me they felt painful. Strong isn't the word, just sharp, and spuratic. I was hooked up to an IV for fluids, antibiotics and a pitocin drip.

I was able to walk around, bathe and shower.

I think I was managing the pain alright.

I was breathing, and listening to music I had brought with me.

I remember the nurses being refreshed that someone was actually using the cd player!

As I remember it, I had some visitors. My parents, Auntie and some other family. My mom stayed and my friend/doula stayed. The combination of pain, exhaustion and what felt like so much time passing made the nurses drug offerings more welcome. "Inductions are harder," I was told, "no need to be a hero." Sometime Friday morning, my waters were ruptured by the doctor. I was at 3 cm, after 24 hours. It's probably a good thing I didn't realize that this rupture meant the clock was started; I would have 24 hours to deliver this baby according to hospital policy. I continued right on laboring, as I had been, only now I was SO tired, and not allowed to use the bath tub. Something about "bacteria", I was told. My husband was so wiped, that I remember the nurses bringing HIM heated blankets and telling HIM to rest. **Still makes me smile.**

I had felt really against having an epidural. Even then, I realized that epidurals increased my chances of needing a cesarean; and I didn't fully "buy" that it didn't affect the baby. Sometime around 5am on Saturday morning, our doctor was in to see us again. She was very motherly and kind in the way she spoke to me. She told me that I needed to accept an epidural so that I could get some rest. She feared that when Baby was ready to be born, I would be too tired to birth her. I heard nurses muttering something about "Baby's heart rate" and "cesarean" something, and "24 hour mark."

I remember having to let the drugs wear off while waiting for my epidural.

I remember feeling contractions with only gas to help. I remember that, and my friends eyes and voice,

"Look at me. Look right here. You are doing so well, and you are so strong. You are so strong."

I was glued to her eyes, and her breathing;

and it felt like an echo "You are so strong".

It echoed and I sent the wish inside to Liv

I was telling her "You are SO strong."

I remember begging to know how long until she would be born; I was convinced everyone knew except me and that they were all keeping it a giant secret! It's funny the things you can believe in labor-land!

The pain I felt at 4 cm was worse than anything I felt with the completely natural birth of my son 5 years later. This pain was coupled with fear and exhaustion. So much fear. Fear that our Baby might not be okay. I think I must have prayed for most of my labor.

Finally, epidural in place, I slept.

Saturday morning, around 10 am, I was fully dilated. The nurses and doctors had been turning down the epidural; I was told that I could start pushing anytime I felt the urge. I felt no urge. I felt... Nothing. Only numbness and anxiety. Again, I heard someone mumbling something about a "c-section" and "too long", and "within the hour." It was as if I had been slapped awake. "C-section...." echoing.
And so with the All-powerful, All-knowing Clock staring me down, I announced "I feel like pushing". I was lying, of course.

I watched the machine to tell me when I was having a contraction and I pushed. And everyone in the room counted to 10. And it repeated this way until our Baby was born, at 11 am. At the time I felt blessed to be spared from the pain of crowning; the pain that I was sure would be unbearable. I was also so grateful to have at least been able to feel the contours of her face as she was born. ***I didn't have the energy or the sense to wonder if I had missed out on anything.***

I got to hold her for only a couple of seconds.

She was early, and not really ready for this world yet.

She was quite full of mucus, and was hard to suction; her jaw clenched shut. She needed oxygen and help to get breathing. The pediatrician and nurses fussed over her. While I feared for her still. She had that gunk they put in babies' eyes, put in her eyes; and a shot of vitamin K shot into her leg.

I was directed to "cough" out the placenta. When the staff looked over my placenta, it looked fine. It looked like a healthy placenta, and the place where the tumor had been was healed, a calcified lump. No signs or trace of extra blood vessels. This was a phenomena they hadn't seen before. I stared at it for a moment, reflecting that this is what all the fuss had been about.

I thanked Jehovah for healing us,
and allowing Olivia to come safely into this world.
We had many, many more lessons to learn,
and Olivia has grown me into a Mama I'm proud to be.
I will be forever grateful to Jehovah for her;
and grateful to Olivia for teaching me the meaning of Love, Courage and what it is to be truly Strong...
(among other things...)

Simply Learning

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 05:29:00 +0000

I HAD written a very long, wordy post... I erased it in favor of LESS. We are Simplifying our life style; and finding that LESS is, indeed more. Less stuff. Less mess. Less crazy running around due to a less crazy schedule. And finally Less words...

Above is my son's room, mid-simplifying-sort; as I ditched Anything: broken, age inappropriate, or limiting to the imagination. Check out how many books are on that book shelf!

Boxes and boxes went to the second hand store, 2 big garbage bags went to the trash. Two more boxes of things I thought he might notice were missing, went into storage.

What you see above, is a tub of dress-ups, and a basket of marbles and marble run supplies. Baskets covered with a cloth.

His shelf holds a basket of musical instruments, a basket of cars, and a handful of his favorite books.

The closet holds a tub of lego and pirate ship set.

***Neat, AND easy to keep it that way.***

This whole Simplifying thing is Waldorf inspired.
I am amazed and grateful for coming across these resources at exactly the right time for us.

My Daughter got a Simplified version of her room that allowed her to focus on what she loves. Surrounded by dance costumes, her photography, her violin and books...

.........And her new Fish.

For years we have been riding the swinging pendulum of Radical Un-schooling; and the pendulum was always, ALWAYS swinging. I was beginning to feel kinda dizzy!

It was beginning to feel like Someone's needs were always being left unmet; and often my husband and I felt absolutely exhausted.

~~Perhaps~~ Probably, as a reflection of our dizziness and exhaustion, our Littles were so dis-content.

There's no other word for it. I took this as a sign we needed a change.

One of the greatest discoveries about LESS is that it has opened up MORE space for LEARNING!

Letting go of the "box" of the Unschooling label, has opened me up to using some Waldorf curriculum; which by the way, is SO BEAUTIFUL!
          It is so honoring of Childhood,
                                                                    Curiosity,
                                                                                       Nature and Imagination!

It is astonishing to me to witness my children SO engaged in their learning! Every game, every story, every movement, every art project! (*Still very child-led*)

Above he is learning about pulley systems...

I remember last year, when my son's sole passion was video games, and his mood was miserable. The kind of miserable that comes from not feeling satisfied, valuable, or successful. He would lament that he had no gifts, and that he wasn't good at anything. It broke my heart, as I scrambled around, in vain, trying to find various "things" for him to try.

*This year he is THRIVING!* Actually, we all are :)*

The things
I felt so resistant to; routine, curriculum, sharing the daily responsibilities, limiting screen usage; were ALL things that have benefited our family more than I could have imagined!

Simplifying has felt like a Fresh Start.

So it would seem Simplifying has OPENED the space for me to learn some great lessons too!

*Google Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne if your curious to know more.

Slow Roasted Teenagers ~ Yummy ~

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Sun, 14 Oct 2012 03:31:00 +0000

** Okay, here's my preface: if you think you're going to feel judged or offended, stop reading now. If you're going to have an open mind, please carry on :)***

I have terrible news: Our children are being slow roasted.

There's an old adage about cooking frogs. If the frogs are dumped into boiling water, they will jump out. However, if they are put in the pot with the cool water and slowly brought up to a boil, the frog won't notice. It doesn't struggle, or jump out. It's cooked.
This is what is happening to our children. And the scary part is, we are allowing it. Defending it. Even supporting it.

We recently had a teen suicide due to "cyber-bullying". As I watched her youtube video, I couldn't help but think this young girl is was no different from so many young girls. She made the kinds of "mistakes" that are common to the teen years. Flashing, fooling around with boys; some poor choices perhaps... But nothing uncommon to growing up.... and LEARNING about life. She was also victimized and taken advantage of by boys. Again, sadly, not uncommon at all. What's new, is that thanks to the internet, thanks to social media, and thanks to cameras on every cell phone, and a cell phone with every teen, her "mistakes" were immortalized online, for all to see. For all to mock, and ostracize. Her "mistakes" were on display to follow her from school to school. And somehow, the children in every school felt entitled, maybe even justified to bully her. As a whole they felt okay about participating in tearing her down.... to the point of finally beating her with a crowd of support. Eventually, leading to her suicide. And sadly, her experience, is not uncommon at all.

It's shameful. I feel heartbroken for her family. And I feel haunted by questions... Where are the parents? Any of the parents? Are people to busy to monitor the online safety and activities of their children? Why were they not acting like people who had learned morals? Empathy? Kindness?
I'm sure a lot of things factor into this... but basically, I believe they've been cooked. And that's not justification. It doesn't make it okay. It makes me wonder, what is wrong with families? Why are we allowing this?!

Talking this story over with people, something interesting happened. Stories of bullying came forward from each person. Bullying from both teachers, and fellow students. Bullying stories that took place 40 some years ago, right up until now. Let's start with the stories of teachers bullying. (Please Understand, this is not meant as an offense to all teachers, surely there are many, many wonderful, positive teachers who keep children save and have a beneficial effect on their students.) The stories I heard were all from elementary school; they included teachers pushing children down stairs; strangling a child against a wall in front of a class; shoving a child to the ground in front of a class; not allowing a child to use the washroom, and having him wet himself in front of the class; and locking a child alone in a classroom for 2 hour detention after school closed up. These stories are multi-generational, and from varying towns and cities. The children in these stories experienced Fear, Hurt, Embarrassment, Shame, Humiliation, and HUGE Injustice and Violation of trust at the hands of people entrusted to care for them. In all of these stories, no significant consequences came to the teachers; and yet the one's telling the stories, tell them like they were yesterday; flushed faces, and shaking voices.

Do you think these kinds of experiences might have an influence on our children's development of empathy? or Kindness? I do. I think it teaches them it's okay to treat people badly. And what's more?.... the parents were told about these situations. The parents rightly complained, and nothing came of it. So what do our kids learn?? What are WE teaching them? We're the teaching them that if you are big, or in power, this kind of behavior is okay. If you're at school, this behavior is okay. If you get caught, even as an adult, you won't be held accountable in any major way. If you are a child, you are power-less. And if you are a parent, you are also power-less to help. The School has the power, the System has the power. And right from elementary school on, the lesson is bullying is okay. Of course we would never say that, however it's true.... although, terribly inconvenient.

In fact, in some schools it is true right from day 1 of Kindergarten. One mom recently told me of her schools new policy that on the first day of school, parents were not allowed to enter the school. Period. She said children were crying, parents were crying; and they were told, "No. No parents in the school. We'll take care of them. This will encourage their independence." And parents accepted that. Oh, I'm sure some protested, or maybe felt inwardly worried; but this mom reported that overall, parents just allowed the school to have that much say! Again, what is the message?! What is the lesson?!
The message is "We, the school, are big and powerful, and even your parents can't help you or even access you here." Intimidating at the very least. And what does this teach (a 5 year old) about empathy? About the importance of feelings, and caring for another's experience? Or the connection of parents to their little ones? The importance of family?.... all secondary to the prerogative of the school.

Yes, into the cooking pot they go.

For 12-13 years, we as parents support our children participating in this system. Slowly roasting. And let's face it. We're busy. We trust that the learning happening in Our school is good, at least mostly good. The problems of drugs, alcohol, sex, bullying, and so on "don't happen at our school"; "it's a private school"; or "we live in a good area of town"; or "we're in such a small town".... "We're trying to earn a living; to make ends meet. We try to have regular family dinners, and enjoy some weekend events together... taxi-ing to and from friends houses, the mall, soccer practice and so on...."

And then, one day they are in high school and these kinds of things happen. It is all too common. And then people around us wonder, and maybe We wonder how these things could possibly happen.... people like myself wonder why these teens have no empathy.... why they are vicious.

They've been cooked. Slow roasted by the school system. By the climate of this world. By Video games about war, stealing cars, hookers, or .... By social media.... By popular male and female performers also teaching anything but positive morals, or good qualities; and often promoting unhealthy views on sex and attitudes that de-value women.... Wow. I'm sounding awfully judgmental; awfully down on a lot of things. What is my point anyways?!

My point is:

I hope that when my children come into contact with the boiling water, they will hop out!!

For our family, this hope is a lot of work. It's meant following a path of natural learning, at home. It's meant making financial choices that support time together over many other things. It's meant being really specific about entertainment. And mostly, it's meant keeping our purpose of a trusting, close relationship foremost; one that models empathy and kindness. A relationship that is protective of their innocence, childhood, and feelings.
It means, (forgive my rudeness) raising them. It means doing our best and hoping. Reading stories like this, reflecting, and hoping.

I hope that as these tragedies happen, some people will go further than saying "What a shame... so sad." I hope that at least some people will start thinking deeper than that. And figuring out how these events are connected to their own families, because they are.
~We are all connected.~

Old Dan Tucker... and Other Insanities

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 18:29:00 +0000

WHAT is going on?!

I have been hearing.... literally, Old Dan Tucker being sung for days..... Sung by my children.

I hear it being serenaded while I'm in the shower;

belted out from the back seat while I'm driving;

chanted while we're walking;

and finally dialed down to a hum when I've begged for a break from the Insanity!!

And of course next thing I know it's stuck in MY head too... and then I'm humming it. Where is this coming from?

Old Dan Tucker is just one example of The Insanity. This year something has shifted. Did I say Shifted? What I meant to say was my world has been Flipped, turned-upside-down. (yes, much like the Will Smith song. lol)

This year while planning our learning year, (as much as one can plan that), I started feeling curious about the Waldorf philosophy; which led me, quite surprisingly to browsing through curriculum. Let me say that again: CURRICULUM. For me this is darn-near Shocking. For anyone who knows me knows, I have felt pretty passionately against curriculum; and certainly against anything that looks like school-at-home. These feelings were re-enforced when Liv and I were struggling our way through Kindergarten curriculum, and later struggling through many other bouts of "teaching" and "learning" how to read. Little did I know, the source of our struggle was undiagnosed Dyslexia and Dysgraphia. All I knew, and still know, is this kind of learning was not worth it, or fun, or successful for us. And yet here I was looking through curriculum.

So why on Earth am I feeling good about this?! ....It still sounds crazy.

My outlook, as I was browsing the "curriculum", is that it could be just one more resource, among many resources, that we may or may not use; depending on where we're at with our learning.... okaaaaay.... To my surprise, I found that the Waldorf ideas of protecting the rites of childhood deeply resonated with me; and the bits of curriculum I was seeing looked so multi-sensory. I was having a very strong feeling that this could be a beautiful fit for us.

The other thing that shifted my outlook is that my daughter, wait for it...... ASKED FOR CURRICULUM!! Workbooks to be specific.

**still shaking my head in disbelief**

Here I had brainstormed with her all the interests and goals she had for herself for the year.... I'm typing up a plan. One that deliberately looks nothing like formal learning, one that is full of games and activities.... and she says, "mom, did you put some curriculum in that? I mean, you know, some workbooks and stuff? Cause I'm thinking I'm getting older and stuff, and I think I should start getting better at math and my spelling and things."

HUH?! WHAT NOW?

So then again, maybe I was browsing curriculum because somewhere inside me, my intuition knew that this is where we were heading; that this is what was next for us. I don't know how many articles, stories and blogs I've read with the same happenings: lots of free, active, spirited life learning and then with age and interest, reading, and math and eventually more formal learning. I just never thought it would happen to us. I really didn't.

I've picked out but, ahem, not yet ordered curriculum. I'm still looking at it as a resource, just another option to use or not. And as usual, I'm following the lead of my little learners.... and they are leading me to playing "school". I'm not even kidding a little. All of my deep-set opposition to "school-at-home" style learning is having to bow to my children telling me that, "NO MOM, This is supposed to be how it looks.... We sit here, and you are there, and you teach us, and we have to put up our hands... and.... and.... and." .....AND truth be told, they are having a ton of fun with it, and we are learning spelling. And while I do have some inner conflict about this style of learning, it's pretty impossible to argue with them about this one. Or argue with myself, as long as this "school" game remains THEIR idea!

See what I mean? Insanity. World. up. side. down.

Know what else?
For the first time in 6 years my daughter is not taking dance. We are still a part of a belly dance group, but she isn't taking dance. Given the option to explore some new interests, Liv chose to take a break from it. She's found herself a fantastic horse riding mentor, and is in love with horses! Which is helping tremendously with her learning challenges and confidence. I'm still in shock. No dance. HUH.

While browsing through the previously mentioned forbidden fruit, I stumbled upon a new book; Simplicity Parenting. Again, something inside me said, "you have to order that book." The blurb about it mentioned the theme is "Too much". As I looked around, I literally saw Too Much. Too much mess, from too much stuff, in every room of our probably Too Much house. I wondered if this is what the book was about.
We had been recovering all summer from the previous year of Too Much screens; we've been trying to create new limits and routines surrounding that. I wondered if that was the Too Much being referred to in the book. Either way Simple sounded pretty inviting.
I received my new book this week, and have been hooked. And it is what I thought. Our Too Much environment. Full of Too much stuff. Full of Too Much screens. Toys. Clothes. Adult conversation.

Which leads me to my next insanity. Simplifying my house. AKA- pulling up the utility trailer and making repeated trips to the dump and second hand store. All of these changes have me feeling a little overwhelmed, lost, excited, confused, surprised.... very.... just Very. Is that a feeling? Again. World. Up. Side. Down.

And so, fueled by my new book; accompanied by my family singing Old Dan Tucker; and inspired by our recently discovered major addiction to watching Little House, and Longing for a simpler life.... I am taking on the Too Much mess. I might even blog about our progress, and take pictures for accountability! LOL

Alright. Enough with writing. Time. To. Simplify.

Mom, why am i here?

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 01:39:00 +0000

My son is always amazing me with his questions, his evidence of deep and serious thinking. He may not know how to read or how to work out math on paper yet, but he is working out some very BIG questions. I peeked in his room this morning, just as he was waking up....

"Mom, why am i here?"

"What.... do you mean?"

"I mean, why am I here? What is my purpose? What am I doing HERE?"

I wanted time to think about how to answer such a broad question; in classic "mom-manipulation" I invited him to join me for breakfast downstairs, so we could talk about it some more.

This was countered with an invitation to snuggle in bed.

"This is a perfectly good place."

I snuggled in, and asked him what he thought his purpose might be?

"Why do you think you're here?"

His answer was that he was here because I wanted him, and because I prayed for him. And he is right, that's true. He was looking for something more meaningful to him.

"The answer,"

I told him,

"is different for every person. Every person is unique, and has their own gifts; and their purpose is their own, what do you think yours might be?...."

*silence*

"....i don't know...."

"I know my purpose."

.... I could see I had his attention....

"In this life, my purpose is to take care of you and our family;

my purpose is to cook, and care for the house,

to play with you and help you learn important things;

my purpose is to go to work, to earn money to help pay for the things our family needs.

I also get to make pottery, because I love doing that, and I'm good at it.

It's one of the gifts I've been given.

My purpose is to keep learning, to learn from you and anyone else who has something to share with me.

And also, to keep learning about our God Jehovah, and to help you to learn about Him as well."

"That sounds like a lot of work. Actually, that sounds like mostly work."

He sounded disappointed, and defeated, or perhaps this was just honest observation.

"It is work.Your right.

But I love you, and I love our family, so taking care of us doesn't always feel like work. Sometimes I really enjoy it.

It feels good to see you growing happy and healthy.

And working at the store can be fun too. I'm tired when I get home, but it's fun being there.

I feel good knowing that my going there helps to buy you the things you need.

And making pottery is work too, but it doesn't feel like work;

because it's my gift, it's what I'm good at.

Some people are good at building, so that's what they do.

Jehovah made me good at making bowls, and mugs, and art so that's what I do.

And learning, well, that's just part of being alive.

You see, I love the things I work at, so it doesn't feel like work."

"So what am I good at? What's my gift? My job? WHAT IS MY DESTINY!?"

He was sounding pretty intense here! :D (So dramatic! I suspect there may be some influence from anime here! ;)

I worried about over simplifying.... none the less, I answered.

"Your job is to just be a kid! Your already great at that.

Your job is to play, and have fun, and to learn about the world.

To learn about Jehovah.

And to try things out, until you discover what you really love, and what you're good at.

You will find your gifts, and all you have to do to find them, is to keep being you."

~ Sometimes I really LOVE this Mama-gig ~

Confessions of an Unschooling Mama

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Sun, 19 Aug 2012 17:32:00 +0000

Before I start my confessions, let's put this in context. We consider ourselves Unschoolers... or Natural Learners. (My hubby prefers that term.) We have been Natural Learners for our children's whole lives; even though for a while we didn't know it had a name.

For a quick idea of what unschooling is check out Wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unschooling

Basically though, Natural Learning trusts that all people learn; that it is our nature to learn our whole lives.

Unschooling lets go of "teaching", curriculum and outcomes.

It trusts that Life is the best teacher.

Unschooling believes that a child (or person) will learn everything they need to learn in life, in the best time and way for themselves, as individuals.

"Radical Unschoolers" take it a step further;

aiming to live a mutually respectful life with their family.

Sometimes this concept is confusing when it comes to "how to". It can sound or look like "no limits" or "no guidance", which is not really the true idea either. At the same time though, Radical Unschooling generally doesn't value limits on activities related to daily living; like bedtime, or screentime, or diet. Living mutually respectful lives is definitely something I value, and in many ways aim for. It also very challenging at times, as you might imagine.

Now for my confessions.

Sometimes I really, really want a clean, and organized house. Sometimes I think this is the impossible dream of the home learning parent! I mean, I want the whole thing clean, all at the same time. I may have even began uttering the word "chore", in the direction of my children, in an involuntary way, on a semi-daily basis. I may have made a list of tasks that need to be done on a daily basis. Yes. Actually I did this. This is a confession, so I will admit it.To clarify though, these are not tasks that HAVE to be done by the kids everyday, rather its a list of stuff that inevitably gets done daily. It is in list-form so they could stop asking for a chore, and I could stop having to search for something helpful they could do.

"What's that?" you say... "they ask for a chore everyday?"

Yes, they do. And the reason for this is my next confession. They need to choose to do a "chore" before watching tv, or playing video games. The horror!! No seriously. This is terrible. This is does not sound like mutually respectful living at all. Or does it? Sometimes it's hard for me to tell.

Wow, what the heck happened to all my ideals?! I'll tell you what.

I had a son who was using screens for 6-8+ hours a day, sometimes video games, sometimes movies. How's that for a confession? Recognize the picture to the right? Mike TV, from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.... was looking a little too familiar....

To put this into perspective, a lot of Radical Unschooling parents may not have considered this amount of screen time a problem. Most Radical Unschooling parents would consider the content and learning value of the screen activities. And to be honest, I did give a fair bit of consideration to that; a lot of learning happens using screens. But I also gave careful thought to the tummy aches, trouble sleeping, vocal ticks, and generally miserable spirit after a full-on, intense, screen-filled day. Combine that with a prevailing spirit of un-co-operation from both our little learners when it came to helping out. To satisfy our value of mutually respectful living our family had many a conversation about our concerns. Finally though, we felt we had to do the "parent" thing. UGH.

Together, us with our young ones, we drafted up some new agreements about screen time. Our motto has been to Put the Relationship First. The level of imbalance and the generally unco-operative spirit, when it came to helping out was not contributing to healthy family relationships. It was contributing to frustration, and constant, exhausting negotiations.

So as a family, sitting very traditionally around the table, we drafted up an agreement that required a "chore" (I hate calling them that, but anyway) before screen activities. This felt terrible to me. It really did. I realize it would probably be all kinds of normal in a lot of families. But not in ours. Actually the new agreement felt pretty yucky to all of us. It was breaking old patterns, it was pushing us beyond Our Normal.

There was a Unified dragging of feet; AND we stuck with it.

We also agreed on a limit of 1.5 hours of screen time daily; then if another "chore" was done, a bonus half hour. Part of the process of drafting this agreement was brainstorming many agreements.

It was remembering the "house rules" of our childhood families.

It was remembering all the excessive responsibilities and requirements set by attending public school.

It was remembering the strained relationship I still have with my folks;

it was remembering that

Mutuality is still the goal.

A couple weeks in, an addendum happened. We realized content was a super important part of the recipe. Calm learning shows like Sesame Street wouldn't count as screen time. This was progress. Some days, learning shows, and calm shows satisfied the needs to chill. Kids were still happy and co-operative after those kinds of shows. Then a neat thing happened. After a couple of weeks of painfully sticking to the new agreement, a balancing occurred!

It just happened.

Some days we are using screens a lot; other days not so much.

We aren't watching the clock or setting timers as much.

The kids are asking to help out, and are having willing spirits.

We are still negotiating a lot; AND I think that's a great thing.

I think that means the relationship is alive and well, as is the respect.

Life is flowing.

Next confession. I have slowly, but surely, put us all on a Gluten-free diet. Why?

Because it's not normal to have tummy aches every time you eat. It's not normal to have diarrhea everyday. We're Gluten-free because I have Celiac disease, and it's genetic, and very real. Celiac disease destroys your bowels; and damaged bowels aren't going to absorb the nutrients needed to grow healthy bodies and brains.

Why is this even a confession? ***I ask with a sense of frustration... I think because of the reactions of people; it ranges from support, to shock, to pity, to the belief that my suffering is "all in my head." I've heard "I could never do that".... Not true. You can do it, if you want to; and especially if you need to.

I've heard "awe, your poor kids, don't they miss cake and goodies?" I've even heard "Your going to give your daughter an eating disorder." !! Can you even believe that?!

The truth is we plenty of really yummy food! We have cake, and goodies, pizza and ice cream, burgers and fries.... all the junk Nostalgia dictates is so vital to Childhood. So don't pity us, or worse yet judge us. Our diet is yummy and healthy. Our children aren't missing out on anything. I promise. AND they aren't going to get an eating disorder from our family eating Gluten-free! Remembering we highly value Respectful Living, our diet isn't something being Forced. They have the power to make choices; which is why on occasion they come home with enormous tummy aches.... listening to our bodies is just one more lesson to learn.

Last confessions.... (this list is getting rather long....)

I do worry about outcomes.

I occasionally look at workbooks, and curriculum.

Sometimes I compare our family to other families.

I EVEN mutter "grade-level" in a very quiet voice

when shopping in the "teachers resource" store.

I feel an almost uncontrollable urge to try to "teach" my children to read as soon as they turn 6, rather than wait for them to be ready.

I also feel compelled to give some form of instruction every time they pick up the guitar.

There. I think that's all of my secrets.

My husband wants to add Bragging to the list. (Isn't he cute?)

He means the bragging he does when we get a final summary of all the learning from the year.

He brags to the people who care about "report cards".

Unschooling at our Farmers Market

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 21:36:00 +0000

Welcome to the August 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Farmer's Markets

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by http://codenamemama.com/

Code Name: Mama and http://www.hobomama.com/

2012/08/august-carnival-of-
natural-parenting.html

This month our participants have written about something new they've learned about their local farmers.
***

As some of you know, I'm a potter. I opened up a studio last year... and as a result I have been attending more farmers markets this summer than any other year. (maybe 1-2 times a month) Of course, going as a vendor is a bit of a different experience... And it's been good for our whole family!

I remember the evening before our first market, we had a startling revelation that getting our whole family there was going to be no small feat. You see, we drive an hour and a half to the market!! With 3 very heavy totes full of pottery, 2 display tables, a shelf, and a large shade tent; add our 2 children, food for the day and a very active puppy, and WOW, that is one crazy morning!! We have to leave the house by around 7am, so we have plenty of time to drive over the mountain and around the lake.

So why sign up to doing that with our children?!

Because it's a really, really fun day together :) AND it's a day full of learning, which for us, as Natural Learners is a really big deal!

We have been a part of 3 different markets, but one of them is definitely our favorite. It has a really festive feel! There's live music, and hoopers, and stilts. There's bakers, and farmers, and jewelers, a lady who makes beautiful scarves, photographers and a lady who makes dog treats. It is RICH with things to look at and learn about; and RICH with people to learn from. This market is a major tourist destination; the last time we went, we met people visiting from Germany, Sweden, and Brazil, as well as the locals and some who were visiting from interior BC. Seriously, How cool is that?!

My daughter is an artist too; she couldn't even help it if she tried... she is so full of Creativity and Beauty and Talent, I can't even narrow it down and say "She is a Jeweler" or "She's a Dancer" or "She's a Musician" because she's not. She's an ARTIST! And she amazes me everyday. At markets she sells her jewelry, and she's started belly dancing at them also. She's had to learn about budgeting, and marketing and talking with people. She's gotten pretty comfortable visiting vendors, and asking them all about how they make what they do... she has discovered bartering and trades!

If we have successful day sales-wise, we visit a local who sells fresh caught CRAB!! YUM! We also visit and explore one of the beaches. It makes for a Beautiful day!

One of the other markets was only a 40 minute drive from where we live, but when we got there it was a completely different experience. This was mainly a FOOD market!! Beautiful produce, and soaps, baked goods, home made sauces and cheeses, and organic meat. Did I mention it was dumping down RAIN?! SO much rain.... but the locals were all there, on foot, and on bikes, pushing stollers, and clutching their umbrellas! Many of them brought their own baskets to fill. As I mentioned though, this was mainly a FOOD market, so we didn't do very well sales-wise. In fact, we didn't sell a single thing... I guess, handmade dishes aren't groceries? lol

That day we learned about putting a smile on in the rain, and just being there to meet people, both the shoppers and the vendors. Just enjoying the day, was a great lesson.... oh, and we learned which market to go to when we want some Great FOOD!

Market Days have become something we really look forward to as a family. I've started reflecting on what kinds of memories my children will bring with them into adulthood,
and I think these will be good ones.
Our rag-tag, gypsy family rolling out of bed
already in our clothes for the day,
loading into the already packed-up van and dreamily trekking over the mountain... open to whatever adventures await us at the Market.

Feel free to check out my goodies at:

http://irrotatalmara.blogspot.ca/

***
http://codenamemama.com/

carnival-of-natural-parenting/

***

Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon August 14 with all the carnival links.)

10 Simple Ways to Make the Farmer's Market More Fun for Kids — Lorie at Reading Confetti shares ideas and books to help kids get the most from the farmers market experience.

10 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter About The Importance of Shopping at the Farmer’s Market — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares the ten lessons she hopes to impart to her daughter about the importance of shopping at local farmers markets.

Charmed by Two Small Town Markets — Shannon at GrowingSlower was charmed by two small-town farmers markets while on vacation.

The Olympia Farmer's Market (and a giveaway!) — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes and family took a trip to their state capitol to experience a new market. See what they saw, and enter to win a book written about that very market.

— Exploring the farmers market by Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy writing at Natural Parents Network — with a scavenger hunt!

Exploring the Market ... Alphabet Style — That Mama Gretchen is in the midst of creating a learning tool for her toddler and it's all about the market!

Unschooling at the Farmers Market — Megz at Aspen Mama loves building memories as a vendor at the Market.

Montessori-Inspired Vegetable Unit — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares links to Montessori-inspired vegetable printables and activities to help your family get the most out of a trip to the farmer’s market.

Markets — How sustainable mum has fitted a monthly farmers market into a weekly food shop.

The Farmers Market In Under An Hour ("Carl Style") — Andrea and family at Tales of Goodness adapt their farmers marketing approach to make everyone happy.

Tales Of a Troubled Gardener — Sam at Love Parenting writes about her dream of self-sufficiency and her lack of gardening skills!

A Few {Of The Many} Reasons Why I Love Our Farmer’s Market — Even though the experience can sometimes be less than peaceful, MomeeeZen shares why she enjoys taking her family to the Farmer's Market on Saturday mornings.

Experiencing the Farmer's Market from a Different Perspective — Emily at S.A.H.M. i AM had a great time letting her toddler lead the way at the farmer's market...

Ask A Farmer's Daughter — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter answers questions about her life growing up on a small family farm in New England.

Giving Up the Grocery Store — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares her family's summertime challenge to eliminate trips to the grocery store and rely almost exclusively on local, farm-fresh foods.

Urban farming and fresh food in the city — Lauren at Hobo Mama takes trips to farms, gardens, and markets within reach of a big city.

Market Tip: Get to Know Your Farmers — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger finally gets up the guts to talk to her farmers and learns she is among ardent food lovers.

New Farmer's Market Find — Kellie at Our Mindful Life is excited to make a new find at her new farmers market.

"The Real World" Grassroots Edition — jessica at instead of institution takes some time out to write a love note.

9 Insider Tips for Farmer's Market Newbies — Dionna at Code Name: Mama chatted with a few farmers to bring you some insider information on how to get the most out of your local farmer's market.

The Place Where I Can Say "Yes!" — Erica at ChildOrganics gives you a tour of her favorite vendors at her local farmers market and discusses the benefits of creating community through the market.

Raw Local Milk — Jorje shares her family's field trip to a local dairy. Learn what you can appreciate from a small town farm at Momma Jorje.com.

Italian Secret Vegetable Soup Recipe — Alinka at Baby Web convinces an Italian Farmer & Cook to reveal a precious minestrone recipe and shares it with her readers.

Where do our eggs come from? A visit to Sucellus Farms. — Carli at One Fit Mom takes her family to meet the chickens that have been providing their daily eggs.

Beyond the Farm — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy and her family enjoy looking beyond the food at the local farmer's market to see the wares of the over vendors.

Magic at the Market — Do you ever take time to really look at the food you eat? Amy at Anktangle enjoys marveling at the beauty (and the utility) of the foods and goods available at the farmers' market.

Farmer's Market Discoveries — Laura from Pug in the Kitchen reminisces about the discoveries she's made at the Farmer's Market throughout the years.

Are You Getting the Most out of Your Farmers' Market? (My List of Not-So-Common "Musts") — Sheila at A Living Family shares some uncommon ways to squeeze even more joy and connection (and yumminess!) from your local farmers' market experience.

Pick Your Own And Eat It — Luschka from Diary of a First Child shares their trip to a PYO farm and the journey from picking to eating her favourite food

Our party of Sadness

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 17:02:00 +0000

Recently, I've notice my son seems afraid of negative emotions; he would begin to cry and quickly escalate because of disliking the feeling of crying and sadness. Sometimes crying makes him feel panicked, like he can't calm down or catch his breath. I felt a little concerned about this; I wondered how I could encourage him to feel more comfortable in his emotions.

The "natural learning" part of me trusted that eventually he would would this out for himself; but still my mind was racing for ideas.

Not many days later, he did work it out for himself! He really wanted a particular toy, "right now." To be clear, the answer was "not today", not "no". And a perhaps useless explanation was offered to him.

He felt sadness, disappointment and frustration.

I thought "Okay, here we go again...." not the most helpful thought, but there it was anyways.....

He sat his self down on the floor, at the bottom of the stairs, crying.

Looking a little alone and dejected.

I joined him, on the floor trying to be as sad as I could muster, "I'm so sad too, so I'm going to sit and sulk with you."

He looked skeptical. "Why are you so sad, mom?"

me- "I'm so sad because I want a new, bigger kitchen."

Oak- "Oh, I'm sad about my toy. And we never get juice anymore, only water."

Me- "and also I'm sad because we crashed our van, and I hurt my foot."

Oak- "Oh and also I'm so so so sad because...."

And there it was, a back-and-forth of all the reasons we could think of for feeling sad.

Eventually, the reasons got sillier and sillier... "I'm so sad because I want to have a bigger bum.... AND louder farts!"

Oakley was ready to move on from sadness. Somewhere in this game he dubbed it the "Party of Sadness"... and later told me it was SO AWESOME!!

He proposed that maybe one day we have a Party of Madness..... so we'll see how that goes...

two tales of weaning

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Sun, 13 May 2012 02:35:00 +0000

Welcome to the Carnival of Weaning: Weaning - Your Stories

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Weaning hosted by http://codenamemama.com/2012/05/21/weaning/" target="_blank">Code Name: Mama and http://www.ahaparenting.com/" target="_blank">Aha! Parenting. Our participants have shared stories, tips, and struggles about the end of the breastfeeding relationship.

I have two lovely, beautiful, healthy children... and for each of them two very different tales of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, and weaning. Different because they are each unique beings, entitled to their own stories; and also different because the first time around I was lacking in both knowledge, and good health.

My first baby only exclusively breastfed for 2 months, and then was on formula as well as nursing until, when she was 6 months, it was time to stop. I mourned the loss. I felt so sad, during those 4 months, as I continued to pump, and take herbs and drugs until she was 6 months old... I would have tried anything to keep it going! But alas, I had surgery when she was 2 months old and it all but dried me right up... never mind that she also had a tongue tie that was missed. Weaning her did not seem like much of a choice; it just happened. Eventually, she was just not interested and was getting her hunger met from foods and, to my disappointment, formula. I had a lot of health problems. My baby was cared for a lot by her dad and Gramma, thankfully I had support! I was thankful, I could see the bond she had with so many people.

As my daughter became a toddler, I became a doula. I felt passionate about helping families have support and access to information on natural pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding!

Pregnancy with my son was really beautiful. I felt healthy, and confident about being a mom! I had trust that my body knew what it was doing, if I would just let it. He was born at home, after about 8 hours of very manageable labour. Labouring naturally was a new experience for me, and being able to do that just impressed on me how powerful and capable my body was! Nursing a baby who wasn't drugged, and didn't have a tongue tie felt amazingly natural!!

My little guy was happy to nurse, and I was happy and thankful to nurse him anytime he needed it! Right from day 1, we slept together in his room on a double mattress. It was so satisfying to feel the bond that nursing him created. I knew he was secure and safe sleeping with me. I had heard of child-led weaning, and it made a lot of sense to me; it sounded so respectful of the little one and of human nature. This felt right and good to me.... not that it was always easy. We played musical beds as he got older; me splitting my time between sleeping with my husband and with my baby. It felt great to just let him eat off of my plate, tasting various things as he was curious. He had sippy cups sometimes, after 7 months old.

As he became a toddler, more and more people thought it was strange that I was still nursing him. My goal was at least 2 years, as that was the WHO recommendation at that time. When he was older than 2, he was nursing mostly at night time, and for naps.... maybe 6-8 times in a day. Some of his sessions were very short, some were just for comfort because he was tired or frustrated or hurt or teething. Nursing at 2 and 3 years old seemed shocking to a lot of people. I felt okay about that then, and still do. I know I was sure thankful to be nursing him when he got croup, twice. Occasionally, we would meet a gramma who thought it was great. I remember being asked "what if he wants to nurse until he's 5?" And thinking, "5 sounds so big".... but saying "if he still needs to and wants to when he's 5, then that's what we'll do." **BIG GRIN**

Sometimes I felt exhausted, and touched out. I tried not to complain to people who would encourage me to wean before we were both ready.

When he was 3 we were in a car accident that left me with constant pain in my tail bone and neck. It turned out to be nerve damage. The doctor wanted me to take drugs for it, and I didn't want to because it would have meant weaning. Even my doctor sort of giggled, and said that if we continued our nursing relationship it was for US, it was for bonding and comfort. I told him I wanted to try healing naturally, and keep on nursing. He was supportive of that, and that's just what we did!

As Oak was approaching his 4th birthday, the pain was really getting to me, it was not healing. We were only nursing at bedtime and first thing in the morning; he was naturally reducing his number of feedings. As he approached his 4th birthday, I started talking with him about not nursing anymore once he turned 4. He didn't seem opposed or upset by this idea. He has a number of cousins the same age, who had finished nursing for years... I told him they didn't nurse anymore.

We counted down the days together, until he turned 4. So I did encourage him, but we worked together at it. It felt mutual. Had he shown signs of needing it still, I would have continued; but he was okay :) We did lots of long cuddles at bedtime, sometimes skin-to-skin. (and I got to take some drugs and get relief from the pain!) He was weaned, AND I felt good about it! I didn't feel like I had taken away something he still needed, and I was thankful that he was old enough to have some understanding and communication around this.

He is a super healthy boy! And I will be forever grateful for the bonding and snuggle time. Those are our stories. What's yours?

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Thank you for visiting the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Dionna at http://codenamemama.com/" target="_blank">Code Name: Mama and Dr. Laura at ahaparenting.com/" target="_blank">Aha! Parenting.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants (and many thanks to Joni Rae of http://jonirae.com/">Tales of a Kitchen Witch for designing our lovely button):
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon May 21 with all the carnival links.)

http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/breastfeeding-weaning-identity/" target="_blank">On Breastfeeding, Weaning, and One Mother’s Identity — Jessica at Natural Parents Network has been nursing one or more of her children since 1993 - breastfeeding is wrapped up in her concept of mothering and herself. She shares her thoughts on weaning.

two tales of weaning — Aspen at Aspen Mama writes about their countdown to wean.

AND... I Would Do It Again!

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 19:55:00 +0000

As my youngest is 6, I've been doing a lot of reflecting on how much I have learned from my little ones. I am quite certain I have learned at least as much from them as they have from me. They have taught me how to be wrong. Alot. And then they have taught me what works for them, and I've had to change. Alot.

Below is a list of Things I Would Do Again, the same.

Birthing my babies at home... So, So fantastic. Getting to stay in my home, surrounded by the people I love and the midwives I trust. Nothing could have felt more natural. I would do it again tomorrow.

Finding a way to make co-sleeping and on-demand nursing work... I remember my sleepy stooper... wondering down the hall, to sit in a rocker and awkwardly, exhaustedly nurse my first born 3-4 times a night. No wonder nursing didn't last long the first time around! I had this picture in my head of my perfect sleeping baby, in her crib, in her room... and I fought pretty persistently to achieve that perfect picture. Nothing could have been less natural. Eventually I realized, she needed to be with me. Which honestly, made our queen-size rather crowded; but it still felt a lot better. When she got too big to fit, she slept on a foamy in our room. As a toddler, we got her a double size bed, where her and I could sleep together without disturbing dad. It took some time, but Olivia had taught me that her need to be close to us, to feel safe and secure at night was more important than our perceived need for privacy; and far more important than the ridiculous fear that she would never learn to sleep on her own if we met that need. I will always feel good for meeting her need.

Nursing until... That double bed came in awfully handy when we had our son! After only nursing Olivia exclusively for 2 months, and then being all dried up by 6 months. I was determined to make a longer go of nursing this time. After having to help Olivia through nearly constant ear and lung infections, as well as many digestive problems, nursing as long as I could was super important! That meant sleeping with Oakley, in the double bed, and nursing all night. Surprisingly, I got a lot more sleep this way! No walking, or sitting, or even waking to nurse! He quickly found his way to latching without my help. This felt natural; and I felt positive about meeting his needs for closeness, security and nourishment! Not too surprisingly, he was a much more contented baby; the crying and health problems that we had experienced with Olivia were not making a repeat appearance with our son. We made it to the recommended 2 year mark, and just kept going, until when he was 4, we agreed to wean.

Letting my kids lead the way. This was a tricky one. After clinging to a mental picture of how this parenting thing should look, and discovering that this only leads to suffering.... I came around to the idea that I needed to be more open to the absence of a picture! The first time I heard someone say that children are equal to their parents, I felt defensive. I didn't like how that sounded. Compared to the beliefs I held in my mind, about families, and obedience.... this just sounded wrong. By now I had been wrong at this parenting-gig before; I had learned a lot about doing it wrong. I had learned by now, that my children's needs were equal to mine; just a real and valid. Seeing the success of co-sleeping had taught me that. I tried valuing their wants, feelings, and preferences too, viewing them as equal to mine. This lead to more challenges day-to-day; at first. But it also lead to children who feel important. They are articulate about expressing their feelings, fears, needs, and preferences. This does not mean that they get what they want all the time! In fact, what it means is that we have all gained experience in problem solving and negotiating. This means, for example, that when it was really important to Olivia to have a violin, and we couldn't afford one, we brainstormed ways to work together to make the money. It took two years of saving, and making and selling jewelry together; but she did it! We did it! Her want was important to us, so we did it together. This felt like a big accomplishment! All of this Following Their Lead business naturally lead to....

Unschooling! Following their lead with learning!! This is something I have become SO passionate about because I have seen how wonderful it can be! Unschooling honors natural learning. It is following curiosity. It is following passion. It is lifelong learning, not something just done in the school years. Unschooling is limitless! It is not divided into grade levels, or expected outcomes; it is not worksheets, or learning in subjects; it is all inclusive! I have watched my daughter, who has severe dyslexia teach herself how to read, because of allowing her to lead the way in her learning. She has built her own weekly learning routine which includes dance, violin, volunteering at a seniors home, learning about the bible, learning sign language, cooking and sewing..... she is a very busy girl; and she is brilliantly directing her own learning!

Staying home with my kids long after a year... of course, not everyone has this option. For us, it meant selling our home and moving to a more affordable one. It meant asking for help from extended family and being thankful when they lent us support. It has meant being financially very poor, according to our standard of living in this country. The more time I have spent with my kids though, the more I like them. Sometimes when I hear people complaining about their kids, I think to myself, it's because they don't spend enough time with them. Did I just say that out loud?! Oops. That's not to say we don't have rough days. WE DO. We have days where everyone is whiny, when they are fighting over toys, when they are picky about food; we have days when I count down the hours until they go to sleep! But it is worth it. And as I see how quickly they are growing, and getting to know them, I'm so grateful I've gotten to be here for so much of it.

Baby, toddler, and child massage! In the beginning, I did this to help Olivia with her digestion and sleep, which it did. In the end, I have spent countless hours bonding with my babies through massage.... and the side effect is that they love giving massage too! :D

Getting a learning assessment... I know not many people talk about this one... but I'm going to because it was one of the hardest decisions to make; and one of the most intense processes.... and I wish more parents had of been open to talking about it. Going through the assessment was not about getting a label for us; it was about learning strengths and weaknesses. It was about finding out how we could be more supportive. Ultimately, it was about learning how Olivia learns best; and it has resulted in her having more and more success and confidence.

Skipping the shots in favor of building up the immune system... I know, such a controversial one, what am I even doing talking about this one?! Hey, this is my list. You can make your own; and on it can be "Getting the vaccines..." ;)

Olivia reacted to the vaccines. Her reaction lead to months of endless, inconsolable screaming; this was not colic. This was her brain being affected badly by the "medicine" that was supposed to protect her. Combined with a rough pregnancy, birth, and problems nursing; this batch of shots added a layer of "challenge" that her very small body simply did not need. I have no doubts that these contributed to her lung infections, ear infections, multiple allergies, and learning disabilities. I would not do it again. Seeing the contrast in my son's health, having not had any vaccines is remarkable. He had croup; and that has been his only serious illness. He has minor asthma, which we treat with herbs. He has never had an ear infection. He has been an incredibly healthy boy!

Realizing that the advice from the neighbor, the lady on the bus or the guy in the grocery store is not always good. My neighbor told me to let Olivia cry-it-out. This was during the time I was attached to the baby-in-crib idea. This was bad advice. My sickly, "failure to thrive", reacting-to-vaccines baby needed ME! She needed closeness and comfort; she needed to know that I heard her cries. Her cries, that were her only means of communicating. I will always regret taking that advice, especially given the link to SIDS, and other health issues associated with this "method."

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/pinky

I felt so sorry as I came across stories like this one:

"Especially in the first six months, avoid sleep trainers who advise you to let your baby “cry it out.” Only you know what “it” is and how to respond appropriately to your baby. The first SIDS baby in my practice awakened frequently. Her mother responded intuitively to her and nursed her back to sleep. When that baby was four months of age, a friend warned this mother that she was “spoiling that baby and that she should let her cry it out.” That night her cries went unanswered – permanently." This quote from - http://doulamomma.wordpress.com/2010/02/11/seven-steps-to-reduce-the-risk-of-sids/_mckay.html

Thankfully, I did not believe the lady that told me holding Olivia during her naps would stop her from growing! lol Obviously, I have made my peace with doing what feels natural for me now, and letting the advice goooooo... even though, I'm sure that means I sound crazy a good portion of the time ;)

Letting go of the fear, and the notion of tough love.... fear that I could do the impossible and Spoil a Baby! Fear that my babies would always need to sleep in my bed if I gave in... (really? Anyone know of a teen who wants to sleep with his parents?! ew.) Fear that my babies wouldn't stop nursing if I let it go on until they stopped needing it. Fear of people looking at me funny, or thinking I was weird. Fear that they would catch some deathly disease for not being vaccinated. Fear that they would be self-centered if I met and valued all of their needs. Fear that they wouldn't become independent and confident people if I spent so much time with them. Fear that they wouldn't grow and become great things if I allowed their natural abilities to take the lead.

Fear. Limiting and controlling Fear.

So there's my list.... what's on your's?

Innocent

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 17:50:00 +0000

I haven't written here for some time. Partly because I haven't had much to say, partly because sometimes I say the wrong thing. And by that I mean that I say something that offends someone, or breaks down my relationship with someone. Neither is fun, not offending, but also not sharing.

With that in mind continue reading, because I have a story to share. A story about Innocence.

My son is 6. He tends to say some crazy things, in his innocence, of course. Like the time he told me my singing made food come up his throat... Or the time he told our guest she had a big bum! He is full of surprises.

The other night his deep thinking was the surprise. He said to me " you know mom, people are innocent". He sounded so sincere, so thoughtful. I didn't know where this was coming from. I was quiet, I wondered if he could know what innocent meant or where he had heard this word. He continued, " you see, mom, when the first people were here, everything was perfect, here was no right and wrong, the world was innocent. And then Satan came down and messed everything up. Now people don't know, and so people are still innocent."

I couldn't help but be amazed, and nod in agreement, and hug him, and tell him how much I love him. It may have looked a lot like "praise".... But it was oozing out of so much warmth. My little guy just demonstrated such a deep and complex understanding of innocence. Wow.

No specific teacher or lesson brought about this understanding. Dare I say it arose organically, from his freedom, his innocence.

DUMB.

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 18:33:00 +0000

"Books are dumb. Books are SOOOOO DUMB. They are so dumb, why did people even make them? DUMB."

I had to agree. Dumb books. Full of Dumb pictures of Dumb animals.

You see looking at some (dumb) books was the answer to the question, "can I watch a movie tonight before bed?" So you see the books were Dumb.

We looked at the (dumb) books together, making sure to comment on all the Dumb pictures.
"Dumb dog. Dumb cat. Dumb."
"Dumb bird. Dumb flamingo. Dumb."
"Dumb penguins. All these penguins are dumb. wait. Except this one, this cute baby one is not dumb."
"Dumb duck. Dumb hippos bum."
"Dumb.... hey, wait a minute, this guinea pig is halfway cool, halfway dumb."
"But all These pictures, on this page?.... Dumb."
"Oooohhhhh, but this one, this owl. He is really cool."
"And hey, what on this page do you think is the only cool one?"
"The cougar. I think the cougar is awesome."
Our Dumb adventure came to a close with a very Dumb zebra.
"Dumb Zebra."

What kind of sense does this make?! Aren't I supposed to be fostering a "love of reading" a "love of books"? My internal voice was freaking out.... and I was telling it to shut-up. DUMB, had given my son a voice tonight. It had Empowered him to look at books with me, when what he wanted to be doing, was watch a show.

Somewhere along the natural learning adventure, I realized I had to stop trying to force things. Trying to force learning, force behavior, force compliance. Forcing is Dumb. And the connection we had while reading Dumb books, was anything but Dumb. All the giggling, wasn't Dumb. Our enjoyable reading time would have been so de-railed if we had of focused on Dumb being a "Bad word." If we had of given DUMB all the power and attention. If we had of come to the rescue of the books! Can you imagine: "Books aren't dumb! Books are great! I love books, look at all these cool pictures?!"

No we have an agreement. Books are DUMB.

Not back to school and.... I. AM. A. POTTER.

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 20:52:00 +0000

The beginning of the school year means beaches and parks everywhere are empty... banks, grocery stores, and other places are child-free zones too... Facebook is full of statuses referencing the first day of school.... and I feel compelled to write about it; to reference it too. Only I'm not sure why. I don't want to do my semi-annual "back to prison" rant. Or go on about the hidden lessons school teaches. I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I don't want to make it sound like I think "natural learning" to be the only "right" way. I don't want to forget about the children for whom school is a refuge. Or the single parent families, and other families who financially, emotionally or otherwise really benefit from the support that school provides for them. I also don't want to leave out the children who truly LOVE school; they get along well with the other kids; they are ready for the independence; they love and relate to their teacher- who is also amazing and dedicated; this child is neither ahead or behind, this child is thriving in their grade level. For them school is GREAT! Okay. I think I have covered all my bases. I get it. School can be great, it can be crappy, and it sometimes does or doesn't serve it's purpose.
So just to clarify, this area is for me to write about what our family is doing; to provide a glimpse of what learning looks like for us, because for some, "natural learning" is a new idea, or is something they have wondered about, but don't fully understand. This space is Not for putting-down or being right. Not to preach. Yet occasionally, I like to give a voice to the child who doesn't get a choice, or who is being bullied, or who gets stuck with a teacher who isn't connecting with them; or who maybe has a learning disability that is getting missed.
This space is for sharing our reasons for natural learning, and also what it looks like for us. Great! Now that that's out of the way..... I wanted to make a comment about it being the first day of school on my fb, but I couldn't as we don't do school.... which led me to "first day of natural learning"?? well, that doesn't make sense, does it? Because natural learning happens all the time, naturally.

So what does the beginning of the school year look like for us??
It looks like making a plan.
It means finding out what our children want to learn about?
What do they wonder about? What do they want to try? What makes them excited?
It looks like finding out, and then creating ways to honor those interests.

It means that this year we will be skating, swimming, dancing, taking nature walks; learning about desert plants and animals; learning about Canada; mermaids, pirates and vikings; we will be having a traditional bellydancing party and feast; and a drumming circle; we will be doing science experiments, learning about sea creatures, and owls; we will be visiting the wildlife recovery center; reading, writing, drawing; learning to play the drums, guitar and violin; exploring sign language, french and spanish; building and beading and playing games; sewing, measuring, counting money; cooking and making our own cook book; learning about RAW food and nutrition; recycling and caring for the environment..... wow, its quite a list.... and the beauty of it, to me at least, is that my little learners came up with it themselves! and maybe we will get to explore all these things this year, and maybe we won't... and probably there's a whole lot of other things that didn't make the list that will come up later... and then the plan will change and grow, just like people do.

OH, and I left something out. POTTERY! We will be doing pottery! Why? Because as it turns out: I. AM. A. POTTER. I have always been an artist. But I have been resistant to labels. resistant to attaching my identity to any one thing. I like this idea that a person just IS. The things they do, and think and have are separate from their actual identity... that way in the absence of the things they do, think and have, one still IS. But whatever. IS-SHMIS. I'm a potter.
I LOVE It! I love the in-the-moment focus of working on the wheel. I love the feel of my hands getting all mucky. I love that when i screw something up, i can dump it in the bucket and recycle the clay. i love that clay is earth. I love looking at things i've made, realizing I could do better and deciding to let-go of it; smashing it into the muck bucket. I love that glazes are still so mysterious to me. I love that I have no idea what I'm going to get when I paint or pour it on there. I love that there is so much to learn. ~And I love that it is SO good for my children to learn through too. ~Good for them to carve letters and pictures into, good for them to have something to control ~ it's a good thing to push clay around! i love that it teaches them about letting-go, when a piece cracks during is drying process, or when it breaks during firing, I love when they make something they feel proud of, and i love when they choose to give it as a gift...

Yes! with my studio well on it's way to being set up. I. AM. A. POTTER.

In Honor of Terrible Ideas.....

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 15:19:00 +0000

"In Honor of Terrible Ideas...." has become a powerful sentence around here. It prefaces what one is about to say next as a possibly terrible idea! It tells the hearer that the idea-giver already knows it is potentially crazy! It tells the hearer to be kind.... it also creates a kind of humor and lightness surrounding the creating of our life.

I'm sharing this phase because before our use of it, one would share a truly terrible idea- without the preface, with not always a very good outcome. Sometimes people hear Crazy ideas and feel scared, or offended, or defensive, or afraid.... In Honor Of Terrible Ideas has been a useful tool.... Prefaced by this Honor, a number of truly terrible ideas have been shared! And a number of truly terrible ideas that have turned out to be great (or at least good learning experiences) have been shared....

In Honor of Terrible Ideas.... (a list of ideas from our past that at first, seemed truly terrible! or at least seemed to hold the potential to be terrible...)
~
Let's have a baby at home!
Let's not vaccinate at all this time
Hey, what if we didn't mush up the baby's food, or buy jarred food what if we just shared our food with him
What if I just sleep with him, instead of fully waking to nurse every couple hours
What if I accept that nursing throughout the night is a need, and I don't try to force him to sleep through the night
What if I nurse him as long as he wants to
What if we don't send our children to school.... (which later led to...)
Hey, what if we let them learn through play and interest instead of imposing this curriculum
What if we give our children plenty of extra time, space and freedom to learn things they find challenging, instead of trying to "make" something happen... what if 10 yo IS the "normal" age for our children to start reading
What if we make instruments available to play, but not lessons or teaching unless hounded to do so
What if we abandon classical discipline like time-outs, and rewards; in favor of sincere, gentler teaching

In Honor of Terrible Ideas.... that we still don't know the outcome of, but the ride has been fun...
~
What if we try to book a cabin for our vacation this year
What if we put our house for sale for a bit and see what happens
What if we renovate, knocking out some walls here, building walls here, and putting windows here
What if we get a puppy, if we get a house
What if we tried to build one of those in-ground trampolines
...or a cob playhouse
....Or a pottery studio....
or started a local learning circle....
~
AND some ideas were indeed Truly Terrible (for our family).... and now we know... :D
~
What if we got a chinchilla
What if we abandon bedtimes altogether
Let's sell everything we own and live in a camper-ized bus! (would still like to do some variation of this, one day.... but it is a Terrible Idea ;)
What if we try doing curriculum for a bit
~

What Terrible Ideas have you Honored lately?

Is There Such a Thing as Organic Intervention?

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 03:53:00 +0000

Is There Such a Thing as Organic Intervention?

I was led to asking this question after researching and digesting a massive amount of suggested “interventions” related to my daughters learning disabilities.

Something feels really icky about it. I felt unrest. I felt anxious. And what was worse I couldn’t put my finger on why. These interventions imply that each day “should” be scheduled, that specific subjects and tasks be done at specific times, and in a specific way. These interventions feel un-natural, wrong, and yucky, and these suggestions sound like things that will not “work” for my girl. So for days I have been thinking things over and trying to make sense of these ideas.

How could I make peace with these interventions, and hold true to our Natural Learning lifestyle? Do I need to make peace with these “interventions“? Do I need to honor them? or do I need to pay attention to the feeling that these ideas are not sitting right with me?

Lately, I’m hearing comments like “academically, we need to work hard to get her caught up….“ Caught up to who? I dare to ask. Caught up to her peer group? Caught up to her grade level? Caught up to.... herself? For what purpose exactly? Is she in a race with her peers? With the world? Do we value a system that wants to produce cookie-cutter people? Does my daughter want to be a cookie-cutter person? Does she desire SAMENESS with everyone else? Do I want to convey the message that “Sameness” is something we value and pursue?

Same knowledge, same abilities, same goals. Certainly this sameness is NOT on my list of priorities.

I have also heard the thoughts that natural learning carries a big risk of easily getting behind. Again, behind whom? And in what? And so the fear is of what then? That one might not “catch-up”? That one might not reach a level of perceived “sameness” with the world? And that surly this would lead one to have trouble graduating, getting into a good college and making money? Is that the fear? Assuming of course, that money is all important! What if they never learn to complete tasks on time? Is that the fear? Is it time management?

Some have also expressed well-meaning concern that if our daughter had been in the regular public school system, perhaps the school would have noticed she needed help sooner; maybe they would have provided her with the help she needed earlier. Perhaps that is true. Perhaps it is not. Perhaps “Sooner” would not have been beneficial to her. In fact, I’m pretty sure the timing needed to be right for her, and that rightness can only be determined by her. And I’m pretty convinced that her and I, by learning together for the whole 10 years she’s been alive, have a very good handle on how she learns best, and what things are most challenging for her. In a school system with a 15% illiteracy rate among grade 10 students and a country with a 40% overall illiteracy rate, I have serious doubts that this institution would have done anything near what her and I have accomplished together.

I would like to venture a theory of my own….
Perhaps, "some" public school children are “behind”….
behind as I would define it, according to what I value.
Behind in the ability to communicate in an authentic, honest, respectful way,
behind in the ability to form quality relationships with people of a variety of ages;
Behind in the ability to accept, to co-operate instead of compete and compare.
Behind in recognizing and developing their our unique talents.

Maybe “some” of these children would benefit from an Organic Intervention?

The kind of intervention that allows them to sleep in, to have slow, unhurried mornings.
The kind of intervention that would
have them putting their hands and feet in the dirt to grow food;
the kind that would have them learning
what kinds of foods are good for healing and healthy living;
maybe they could learn how to prepare these foods.
The kind of intervention that involves following a curiosity,
finding a mentor and learning all about whatever interest gives them life;
the kind of intervention that would hold that passion as more valuable than Sameness.

The kind of intervention that would involve volunteer work,
and getting to know Grammas and Grampas from many families.
The kind of intervention that would allow a child to spend time in a room full of instruments,
and the freedom to play each one,
to write their own songs.

The kind of intervention that walks in the woods,
and plays along the creek; throwing rocks, spotting fish and birds.
An intervention that involves being with ones family way more days than not;
an intervention that involves chasing butterflies- both real and figurative.
The kind of intervention that encourages creativity,
and the valuing of process over outcome.
The kind of intervention that would encourage literacy through the exploration of interests; reading and research would happen for the same reasons it happens for adults,
it would arise naturally,
dare I say Organically.

I guess that answers my question; there is such a thing as Organic Intervention! For this is what we’ve been doing all along. And as far as learning disabilities go, we will not be abandoning our Natural Learning ways. It took 5 years of consciously following this path to build faith; to see it working. I did not worry that my daughter would get behind in learning to walk, or talk, or eat solid foods; I trusted whole-heartedly that she was designed to do those things, and naturally would. I have seen a motivation for learning in her that was also put there by a designer; she is perfect and beautiful and anything but learning “dis-abled” in my eyes. She is a living, breathing, growing, learning being.

She is naturally a Blue Rose; why would I want intervention to make her Red?

http://www.torontosun.com/news/canada/2009/06/04/9670181-sun.html

http://www.thestar.com/News/GTA/article/307245

http://www.conferenceboard.ca/hcp/details/education/adult-literacy-rate-high-skills.aspx

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_rose

"Unschooling" Confusion

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Thu, 26 May 2011 16:53:00 +0000

It seems there has been some confusion as to what "Unschooling" is.
My husband thinks that the name "Unschooling" is a "turn-off" to people; and I think perhaps he is right. The term "Unschooling" says in an obvious way what we are not doing, and perhaps falsely implies that we are "Unteaching".... AND it says nothing of what we ARE doing.
He says "Unschooling" could feel like an insult to someone who is schooling because it is like saying "I am doing the opposite of what you are doing".... leading to the question of the schooling parent "Well, what is wrong with what we are doing? What do you think is so wrong with school?" And reasonably could lead to feelings of offense, or defense.
Some other terms for what our family is doing are "Natural learning" and "Enthusiasm-based learning". These terms say something about what we ARE doing, and what we value.

Below is a contrast of Natural Learning and Schooling.....

Natural Learning says "We will learn together."

Schooling says "You will go to school and learn with other children your age."

Natural Learning says "What would you like to learn about?"

Schooling says "We will teach you what we want you to know."

Natural Learning says "What are you curious about?"

Schooling says "We will teach you what is in our curriculum, and you can be curious on your own time. After your homework is done."

Natural Learning says "What do you think you will need to know? And how can I support you in learning what you need to know?"

Schooling says "We know what you will need to know, and we will teach you."

Natural Learning says "I trust you. I trust that you will learn what you need to know, and that you will learn it in the way that you learn best."

Schooling says "You are not to be trusted with a task as important as learning. You are irresponsible, ignorant, and naive. We will teach you what you need to know, in the way that works best for us, and that we feel is best for the majority. If we trusted you to such an important task, surely you would miss something."

Natural Learning says "Everyone is unique. Everyone learns differently, in ways that are unique to them. Learning is everywhere, and in many forms. Kinesthetic, auditory, visual.... learning is messy, hands-on, experimenting; as well as book learning."

Schooling says "Everyone is the same. Everyone learns the same. Learning happens in the classroom. Learning looks like reading and writing; with the occasional experiment for 'science'."

Natural Learning says "Learning begins in the womb, and continues for the rest of our life. Learning is life. Mentors are everywhere."

Schooling says "Education begins in pre-school and continues through high school and collage. Learning happens at school, and at home when doing homework. People of the same age should be together, and should be learning and able to learn all the same things. Teachers are at school. Lessons are in curriculum."

Natural Learning says "Learning is learning, and all areas that are important to the learner are important. Learning includes reading, writing, and math, as it is important and applicable to the learner. Learning also includes spirituality, relationships, learning how one learns best, seeking and developing mentor/learner relationships, reflecting and being aware of learning, goal setting, questioning, researching, creating, problem solving. Learning is endless and without bounds!"

Schooling says "Learning is divided into subjects; with a time and place for everything. The most important subjects are: Language, Math, Science, Socials, PE. Every other kind of subject is extra, an elective; and is not as important."

Natural Learning says "Public school is great, and curriculum is great if it is the desire of the learner; and if it is what works best for the learner."

Schooling says "You can't possibly keep up with other students, unless you are on curriculum. Work hard so you don't 'Fall behind'."

Natural Learning says "Developing a Love of learning is the most important thing. With a love of learning, learning never ends. A learner has the power to learn anything they need to know. The learner is empowered!"

Schooling says "Everyone is being graded and marked, compared to everyone else. Learning the curriculum and getting a good grade is the most important thing."

Natural Learning says "Learners have the right to be with their families as much as they need and want to. That it is natural to live everyday life with people of a variety of ages, learning from each other, and together arising from both curiosity and passion."

School says "Students need to be with other children of their own age for much of the day; learning from knowledgeable and trained teachers to learn important curriculum and develop proper social skills."

Natural Learning says "Learning is an organic, natural process, like growth."

Schooling says "Learning is from books, and teachers hold the knowledge. Students must be encouraged and bribed, threatened and rewarded."

Natural Learning says "A learner can learn from anyone! A teacher, a mentor, another learner, a book, an activity, an animal, an experience...."

Schooling says "Asking a classmate for help is cheating."

Natural Learning says "Learning often comes from making mistakes."

Schooling says "Mistakes are wrong. Your grades will go down."

Natural Learning says "Our children's learning is like a 'Fire waiting to be lit'."

Schooling says "Children are like 'empty vessels waiting to be filled'."

DREAMS ~ and Variations of Real Life

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Sun, 15 May 2011 05:11:00 +0000

(* this is less about unschooling and more about making sure we can continue to*)

I've been thinking that we underestimate the power of DREAMS!
Both the kind we have while we are awake, and the kind we have while we are asleep.... and maybe the times in-between too.

You see, every time we dream we CREATE.
We create an alternate version of how things are, how things could be.
And how often do our dreams become real life?
How often do they come true, and we find it is not quite as great
as we imagined it would be?
We dreamed and dreamed, we problem-solved and pursued,
then we are where we dreamed we wanted to be,
and we find it's not quite as great as we thought....
Or do we get their and it feels even greater?....
I have had both experiences.

Lately, I have been dreaming of our family in a different living situation....
I thought my dream was attached my set of values.... now, I'm not so sure. Unfortunately, Surprisingly, and for some reason Unknown to me,
this current dream was attached to a thing- "Stuff"- a new house specifically. In this dream, we have a large kitchen, a big fenced yard with a dog and goats! (Landon is making goat's milk soap), a pottery studio for me to work in, the laundry room is it's own room... lol.... an area to garden... We were all on board with this dream, and we logically, have been trying to sell our home to create this new one. Only one problem.

The problem of "Stuff".....
This dream-home is more Stuff.
And I'm not so sure I'm okay with that part of this dream.
With the Stuff comes more costs, more caring for the Stuff....
and often this translates into working more
for the money to care for and maintain the Stuff.
This part of the Dream isn't sitting well with me.
I highly value being WITH my family.
with my children. with my husband.
learning and living together. Everyday.
That is my most important DREAM.
I wouldn't ever want "Stuff" to become bigger than my Dreams of us

together.

I am wondering, what need is My dream telling me I have?

Perhaps, My dream is to CREATE a more efficient kitchen,
not necessarily a bigger one;

perhaps, My Dream is to make better use of the outdoors
perhaps, My dream is to walk more, to camp and visit the beach;

maybe my Dream is to transform our garage into a pottery studio;
and maybe our washer and dryer could be moved into our basement.....

Perhaps, this is My Real Dream.... without the extra costly Stuff...
and perhaps it would feel as great as I imagine!

and perhaps it wouldn't.

but I continue Dreaming!
Aware of the power that DREAMING can have!

Dreaming grew into living my life with my best friend; one of the very few people who "gets" me;
dreams brought to life our children;dreaming allowed me to heal from my first birth by helping other mamas have their babies;dreaming allowed me to give birth at home the next time, with courage and faith; dreaming allowed us to imagine what we could make of this affordable rundown home we have renovated; dreaming of being able to stay at home with my children beyond the age of 5 led to homeschooling; and dreaming of something better than that has led to unschooling.....

What a powerful thing dreaming can be!?

So what have you dreamed of lately?

reading without schooling

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 20:21:00 +0000

I found myself in a fantastic children's shop yesterday. Surrounded by games, puzzles, books, experiment kits, building kits, art supplies.... I found I was being drawn to the workbook section. Again. I stopped myself. and thought,

"What? Have I learned nothing?"

from the last 10 years of unschooling our daughter?

*sigh*

Old thinking patterns die hard sometimes.
You see, I was an "early" reader. I was reading before I began kindergarten, and I did relatively well in school; at least until I was in middle school and the information was coming more quickly, and the distractions were greater and the social pressures were much stronger. But that is another story.

So I carried this notion that children in my family learn to read "early". Period. I accepted this as a given, as this had been true for a lot children in my family.

When we began the homeschooling journey, the last thing I was concerned about was how my children would learn to read. (GRIN)

I was in for a big surprise when my daughter had so much difficulty learning this skill. At first, it looked like reluctance. After the reluctance was lessened, it looked like major frustration. I am someone who had no trouble learning to read, and largely, I learned in a public school setting growing up. When my daughter asked for help, I was drawn to workbooks. To flashcards. To games like scrabble, and websites like starfall. This was not working.

I had read a few articles on brain development and natural reading. The theory is, as it is in harmony with unschooling, is that children learn what they need to know, as they need to know it, and as their natural ability to learn it develops. There were many stories of children who hadn't naturally learned to read until age 10, or 12, or even older. And yet so many children are attending school and learning this skill at age 6. And many homeschooled and unschooled kids learn reading around 6 as well. Below is a bit of info on unschoolers take on learning to read, as well as the results of a poll about what age children learned to read:

http://www.lifelearningmagazine.com/0904/Alan_Thomas.htm

http://naturallearningaustralia.info/forums/showthread.php?79-What-age-did-your-child-ren-start-reading

So what is going on with this?

Google "learning to read" and you will be assaulted with a plethora of websites proclaiming that their program will teach your baby to read; that your baby is a genius and just needs this program to unleash their full potential!

My heart is thumping.
Because I am sickened by the RUSH.
Rush to wean,
rush to walk,
to potty train,
to talk,
to sleep train your little one to sleep through the night....
RUSH and push your baby into independence!
this is the message.

Nevermind that weaning will naturally happen as a baby becomes more able and interested in eating solids, nevermind that walking, talking, and using the toilet are things that naturally develop as a body and mind grows to readiness. And the same goes for sleep and independence.

Yes, being a parent is exhausting,
yes, it sucks to have my sleep disrupted by my little one.
Yes, it would be nice to have a night alone with my hubby.
But I have no doubt
that when my baby cries,
I am being called,
my baby is trying to communicate a need or feeling;
and whether that need is for nursing,
or cuddles,
or comfort because of teething,
or help and love while falling asleep;
I am confident that their need is as valid as mine,
and that they will naturally grow more capable of meeting their own needs as they grow.
So why rush? Is there any benefit to the little one?

And somehow this RUSH has been added to reading. So what we have is a society and a school system that disregards each child's individual development, needs, desires, and learning style. We have an expectation that children will learn to read in the early grades; and we justify this expectation, by saying that children need to know how to read in order to learn other things. huh.

What if that isn't true? What if, in fact, the standard ways in which children are taught to read in school are actually doing damage to some children? Such as the children who have dyslexia? as is explained in the below article:

http://www.dyslexia.com/science/different_pathways.htm
"These brain imaging studies show that teaching methods that may work well for a large majority of schoolchildren may be counterproductive when used with dyslexic children. Teaching methods based on intensive or systematic drill in phonemic awareness or phonetic decoding strategies may actually be harmful to dyslexic children. Such teaching might simply emphasize reliance on mental strategies that are as likely to diminish reading ability for dyslexic children as they are to improve it, increasing both the frustration and impairment level of dyslexic students."

Not to mention, that children tend to compare themselves to other kids?
Why is my classmate able to read, and I can't?
What's wrong with me?
And what conclusion are they left with?
That they are dumb, or different in a bad way, or that they are lazy.
Either way their self-esteem takes a big hit.

Which brings me to my big realization.
What if it can be done the other way around?
Could free and creative and natural learning and play, lead to reading?
And what would be the benefit of doing it this way?

When my daughter was in Kindergarten, we used a curriculum. (Unsuccessfully, as I explained in a previous post.) The curriculum was trying to teach reading color names, through coloring. Okay, this sounds reasonable, logical, and seems to hold the possibility of being enjoyable and incorporating a creative process..... except, it wasn't.
For example, a big picture of a tree, would be accompanied by the word GREEN, and the instruction to color the tree GREEN. LOL. A picture of an apple, with the word RED, and the assignment to color the apple RED. You get the idea. This didn't leave room at all for creative process, for problem solving, for expression; the whole thing felt dumbed-down to me, and I dare say it felt that way to the children as well.
I believe the intention was to blend art and reading together, so I give them credit for that. The intention is good.

What if we take away the tree, the GREEN, the assignment? We are left with a blank piece of paper, and a learner who may or may not be drawn to art. In this case, let's say the learner is drawn to art. Art and music, because my daughter is. Unschooling has allowed her learning to be a symbolic blank piece of paper. Let's say the learner is right-brained. Let's say the below is an accurate picture of her natural strengths.

(Taken from this site: http://www.singsurf.org/brain/rightbrain.php)

The right-brain is better at:

	Right Hemisphere	Left Hemisphere
Specialities	Copying of designs, Discrimination of shapes e.g. picking out a camouflaged object, Understanding geometric properties, Reading faces, Music, Global holistic processing, Understanding of metaphors, Expressing emotions, Reading emotions.	Language skills, Skilled movement, Analytical time sequence processing.
Shared	Sensations on both side of face, Sound perceived by both ears, Pain, Hunger, Position.
Emotions	Negative emotions (fearful mournful feelings),	Positive emotions
neurotransmitters	Higher levels of norepinephrine	Higher levels of dopamine
Grey Matter White Maatter ratio	More white-matter (longer axons) on right	more grey-matter (cell bodies) on the left.

The question is:
Does free pursuit and exploration of these strengths lead to reading?

It has for my daughter. She has dyslexia, as well as auditory processing problems and a few other learning disabilities, or should I call them learning differences? I could.

She is 10, and as of this month something has "clicked", as the natural learning articles said happens around this age. She reads. On a good day, she can read well. On a bad day, which is happening less and less, she struggles a lot to read at all. This is the nature of learning differences.

When someone is diagnosed with something like dyslexia, there is talk of "interventions", programs and people that will help her to learn in a way that works for her. Great, I am thankful that she will have access to this help, if she wants it.

Much to my amazement, I think she has naturally searched out activities, that for her, have acted as "interventions." Activities, that played on her strengths, built her confidence, and helped her to start to overcome her difficulties. Here is what I mean more specifically:

She has been able to build solid friendships and mentor-like relationships with many, many people. People who, like her, are artists; and who, like her, had a lot of difficulty in learning some skills, like reading. These people have helped her to value her artistic talents; they have helped her to preserve her confidence. They have helped her develop her gifts.

She has been playing violin, and taking group lessons to learn this instrument. Reading music has helped her de-coding skills; which transfers into de-coding letters. Her music teacher has observed her ability to play by ear; a very valuable skill for any musician. I believe that her developing an ability to tell the difference in sounds of various notes, and identify those notes, has helped her in reading too. She has had a lot of trouble telling the difference between vowel sounds, and attaching vowel sounds to vowel letters. But since playing music, she is getting much better at this. Dancing for 5 years has helped her have a great understanding of timing, which has helped for learning to play music.
Working with clay, making sculptures as well as at the pottery wheel, has helped her ability to focus, to work through obstacles, to learn from mistakes, and to develop her major and fine motor skills. These are necessary skills for learning to read and write.

So here's the thing.
My beautiful, gifted,
amazing daughter has done it backwards
to how schools teach it.
Backwards to what I as a parent expected.
And I think it has been of benefit to her.
I think in alot of ways she has come out "ahead."
Ahead in the sense that she feels good about herself.
She knows who she is
how she learns best
she has confidence that she can learn anything.

Thank goodness I was able to let go of my own expectations
and be open to her doing this in her own way and her own time.
This was my HUGE lesson to learn.
Thank goodness she was a persistent teacher!
this is still an on-going process.

But here I am.

My boy now in kindergarten; and I am able to stop myself while standing in the workbook section. LOL
I am able to hear him say
"mom, those look boring! Let's go look at the games!"
I am able to accept that as valid, and true.
I am able to turn around, and follow my boy to the games.
I know that his process is his own,
and it will look how it looks, and that is fine.
He will amaze me too. He does.
He will have gifts, and talents. He does.
He will find people he connects with.
He will grow.
Grow in the true sense of the word: Spiritually, physically, emotionally, relationally. And we will grow.
without schooling.

LIFE as Therapy

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 02:46:00 +0000

I've been brewing this one for a while.....

while sitting at the pottery wheel
while watching my children playing
while contemplating life, and what will come of this life,
while digesting the feeling that new things are coming my way

while hearing of the parenting troubles, and marriage troubles, and schooling troubles of some of the people closest to me

the idea that this life pushes my buttons;
the right buttons, in just the right way, at just the right time.
The idea that LIFE provides me with the opportunity to grow.
to do things differently than i had before. or to think of things in a new way.
That LIFE is therapy.

~

I've been working at the pottery wheel a lot lately. And I have had the privilege of seeing my children working at the wheel too. This is one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

Ever.

My sons little hands, wrapped around that clay.
centered. and gentle and firm. and responsive.
and going with the flow. and feeling the clay, as soft and responsive as it is.
And learning the lessons that one learns, from working with clay.

Clay is a lot like people.
It can be soft and easy to work with, or it can be tough and hard and feel like sandpaper on your skin. It can be molded, or it can be over-worked. One can put too much pressure on it, and it becomes un-glued, or looses its form and turns into a wonky mess.

Yes, clay and people have alot in common.

And what I've been learning is that whether the clay is easy or hard to work with depends a lot on me; the person working with it.
It depends on whether I am centered and in good spirits;
it depends on whether I have added enough water;
it depends if I am making movements that are slow and rhythmic.
Supportive, but not controlling.

The clay becomes an outward manifestation of me;
of my emotional state and of how I am treating it.
Much like my relationships with people become mirrors of my self and the other. Of how we treat and feel about each other.

~

What a beautiful gift that me and my children get to learn together; and that my children are learning about some of life's principles from clay.

The Clay has become the mentor.

Which has me thinking about one of my mentors. My friend Trey.
Trey died when my daughter was still a baby. Trey's wife is a potter, and so my thoughts have wondered back to him as I've been working. Trey had a huge impact on me, and in my life. As I was finishing high school, he wanted for me to become a councilor, like him. He was a gifted councilor; and I suppose, he saw something in me that told him I could do what he did. At the time I rejected the idea, because I looked up to him so much. Which is awfully ironic. I didn't believe I could ever live up to the standard he had set. to be as powerful and kind and gifted as he was at his profession. AND the idea of going to MORE school right after graduation wasn't very appealing to me at that time.
But I've been reflecting. And remembering him. and thinking about some of the things I have experienced.

~
***And the things I have learned the most from,
have been the hardest things to go through.***

LIFE has been my teacher.

And I have been thinking a lot about becoming a councilor, because I really appreciated SO much having Trey's guidance and help, as life taught me some hard lessons. Perhaps, I could do it. I am beginning to believe. maybe.

Which brings me to lessons I've collected. Lessons in acceptance. Lessons on knowing when to go with the flow, and how to know when the flow needs a little directing. Lessons on commitment. And appreciation. and unconditional love.

As some of you know, my birth experience with my daughter was not very natural. (I really will have to go into more detail in another post.) And I learned SO many lessons from it. As I did from the next few years learning how to be a mama. And how to be a wife. A partner.

Honestly, becoming a mama and a wife was nothing like I had imagined. At times, I felt like I had woken up in a sleep-deprived maze of expectations. My own expectations and others. Not that it was a bad thing; just not anything like I had pictured. ever. And I could have given up. many times, I could have quit, in one way or another. I could have shut it all down and refused to learn the BIG lessons life was offering to me. I could have said "this is too hard, it is nothing like I expected". In fact, I'm pretty sure I did say that. ALOT. and I'm pretty sure that at times, I still do. But I did not give up. And I am glad that I have stuck with my commitment.

And some days are better than others. and some weeks and months are better than others. And I am glad I have not given up. I have looked at the ways my marriage was different than I had expected; and after I got past faulting the marriage itself, I started to fault the picture in my head of what my marriage "should" look like. I began to accept things about myself and about my partner that were maybe NOT going to change. I tried loving those parts too. I tried valuing PEACE more than being right; more than the faulted image of marriage I held in my head. I tried applying unconditional love towards my partner. towards our marriage. This was hard. Really hard. ***And I wish more people would talk about this stuff. Because we all go through it. The same stuff. And so many people are too embarrassed, or proud, or private, or scared to share it. And so we feel alone; as we try to wade through these difficult LIFE lessons.

And being a mama felt surprisingly hard. At least while I was trying to "mama" like someone else. Talk about not going with the flow. I was allowing other mama's to direct the flow of my parenting. Oh the lessons of life!

Yes, LIFE is therapy.

Unschooling Music and.... Other Things.....

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 03:26:00 +0000

As a child, around 9 yo, I thought it would be fun to take piano lessons! My mom excitedly bought me a keyboard, and signed me up for lessons. I liked my teacher, and lessons were fun; but they also made playing music so serious; there was so much emphasis on practicing. My mom and dad were putting money into me learning to play this instrument; and so understandably they wanted to see me practice.

It didn't take very long for practicing to feel like a high pressure event, and not fun at all. I also had trouble reading the notes, and felt anxious-

What if I couldn't figure out how to read these notes?

After about 1 year of "not fun" lessons, I quit playing piano. There are some very "gifted" musicians in my family, but somehow, I didn't fit in with them.

I joined choir in middle school; and was told by some people that singing was not my gift.... (actually, I think they may be right on this one ;)

In grade 8 and 9, I thought playing BASS would be fun. We rented the equipment, and signed up for lessons. Again, I liked my teacher; but all this focus on "practicing" was not fun; and hearing from people "we want to hear you play something".... it felt like pressure. During those same years, some of my older friends had started a band; I went to their "jam sessions" every week... and that was fun, and kept my love for music alive!

Although, I stopped playing bass.

When I met Landon, my now husband, he played drums.... I told him "I used to play BASS"; which was kind of true..... except he really liked me, so the next week he came to my house with a BASS and amp! and wanted to hear me play! LOL!

I had to fess-up that I didn't know what I was doing at all!

He invited me to jam with a few of his guy friends... and I did! This felt like "pressure" but I wanted to be a part of this, so it was worth it! All the guys were patient with me; showing me what to play....

Fast forward a whole bunch, in 2005, Landon bought me an acoustic guitar for a present!

No lessons, no pressure!

I was a grown-up, with children, and responsibilities, and so many things to keep me busy... BUT I REALLY wanted to learn to play!!

I could hear someone's voice in my head
telling me it would be really hard to learn an instrument as an adult;
and that I couldn't read music;
and that I wasn't musically gifted like others in my family.
But this was a guitar given from a loving place;
NO strings attached! NO pressure!

I read an article about unschooling music. The writer spoke to exactly what my childhood experiences with music were. He placed emphasis on music being something we PLAY! and by definition, playing is a FUN activity!

I started to look at my guitar as a toy.
I played with it like a child plays with a toy.
I paid no attention to how often I played;
no attention to notes or reading music;
or performing, or playing with others.

I started to see which sounds I could make with a guitar that sounded good.

I banished the word "practice" from my thoughts about music.

I started getting interested in looking at some chord charts, which were so much easier than trying to read music, like I did in piano. I started to write a song called "un-musical" about the messages lingering from my childhood about being unable to play; and about childhood being the best time to learn an instrument.
I have been playing for 5 years now... and I love playing!! I go through phases where I don't play much, and phases where I play ALOT!

SO why am I writing about this??
Because some unschooling moms had posted some questions about kids and learning music, and lessons and practicing. And it got me thinking about the GIFT that my shift in perspective has been, when it comes to music. My children are PLAYING music now, as our home is full of instruments :D

SO what about other things?

What about unschooling ART??

I was SO excited to meet a fellow unschooling mama today, who has set up an art studio for "learning" art.... only it is more like "doing" art. "Being" art. She is kindly opening her studio up to our family once a week to PLAY art. And she has a couple of pottery wheels, and I am just over-the-top happy about this opportunity to unschool art with my family!!

What about socially? How does unschooling affect social learning?

Admittedly, this is one area where homelearners get lots of questions. "Who do you hang out with? Where do you meet other kids?" and the very common "don't you worry about them developing socially?"
Okay, here's my question.

What does the typical social learning look like IN school?

*sigh*

The truth of it is, I heard of a local grade 5 class having to deal with one of the children bringing hardcore porn to the school.

*big sigh*

The child would have been 11yo, tops.
*sigh* And what are the social consequences of that?!

I can't even begin to imagine all of them. All I can say, is I'm really thankful I didn't have to find out how that would effect my children. I'm thankful they didn't have to feel uncomfortable, or shocked, or pressured to "tell" or keep it quiet. I'm thankful I don't feel this is a normal part of normal social development; and although it is obviously a reality, I feel thankful that I cannot wrap my head around accepting this.

And I realize that as teens and adults they will encounter these kinds of situations; and I hear moms and dads saying that these kinds of things coming up in young childhood helps their children learn how to stand up for themselves; to learn how to handle these things; how to stand up to peer pressure.

Um, I'm holding back what i really think about that kind of attitude, because I don't want to insult some people.
I'm trying to choose my words carefully.

I think what I'm trying to say is some situations are just plain inappropriate. Just simply shouldn't happen. And I think it sounds all well and fine to say one is viewing it as a learning experience; however, I don't think that makes it an appropriate learning situation. Period.

... And also, by some extension, the parent that is reasoning this way, is saying on some level that encountering this thing as a child will help the person to know how to deal with this kind of situation as an adult. Okay.... Right. Well, I'm 30, and I never encountered porn in elementary school, or middle or high; and if I were to encounter it now, in my adult life, I have no doubt I would know how to react. It would not be something I would want to be a part of. I would know how to stand up for myself, and speak my mind~ even though I did not deal with this situation as a child. Imagine that!?

However, I did encounter drug use as a child, and teen. And to begin with, I thought I would know how to deal with it.

TO begin with, I did.

But with repeated exposure, it becomes more familiar. Less shocking. The "pressure" doesn't feel like "pressure" anymore; it feels like curiosity. And I did give into it. And I believe that is part of normal social development for a person being raised in a public school system; exposed to any variety of things; known and unknown to the parents. Why would we expect anything else?

So what do we do socially?

We hang out with other unschooling families! There are a few of us around ;) We go places and experience things together; we learn together; we take classes together. And I feel confident that my children are developing a strong sense of who they are, and where they come from. And my feeling is that a person who KNOWS who they are, will find it natural to act in a way that is TRUE to themself, and to where they KNOW they come from.

TO that I would like to add something else that I have been pondering.

Authority- authorship of one's own life.

When does that start? As an adult?
For a lot of people it starts as an adult.
All of a sudden, life expects them to make big decisions.
To own our feelings, to own up to our responsibilities.

When childhood has taught us to fold. To ignore our feelings. To try harder to please people. To gain approval. To respect authority of others, in all circumstances.

Because the authority knows best.

There is no self-authority; because the child does not have the right, the equality, the ownership of themselves. At least, not in any way that matters. And so we learn to bow. To fold. To mistrust ourselves.

Our feelings. Our wishes.

“To trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves, and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted.” ~John Holt

To that end, I am wondering, where is the line? Where is the line between loving, patient parental guidance and controlling authority? How does one help a child to trust themselves? to know themselves? To own themselves?

And at what point does "guidance" become the kind of control that sets up a child to be treated badly in their future relationships?
To be controlled?
To bow out to the preferences of the other, without due regard given to themself?
What are your thoughts?

labels, labels and more labels

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 13:48:00 +0000

labels. i haven't heard so much about labels, as i have been recently. it seems everyone has so many feelings about labels; and everyone has been very open with me in sharing those feelings. First, lets think about labels as they relate to things, "objects". The online dictionary defines it as:

"a slip of paper, cloth, or other material, marked or inscribed, for attachment to something to indicate its manufacturer, nature, ownership, destination, etc."
So the purpose of the label is to tell people where an item came from, where it is made, what it is made from, and sometimes contains special directions for how it is to be cared for; and what some of it's intended uses might be. This is useful information, and as it relates to an object; it is not usually considered negative at all.

The dictionary further defines label as:
"a short word or phrase descriptive of a person, group, intellectual movement, etc."
AND this is where it gets tricky. People are generally uncomfortable with labels being attache to people. I think perhaps, people feel labels will take away from their individuality; or they fear people will associate a label with them and that is all they will become; that it will change what people expect of someone.
AND this strikes me as a little odd, because we label ourselves, all the time in ways that we are okay with; in ways that are considered positive, without attaching various fears to these labels.

We are comfortable saying "I am a mechanic."... or "banker" or "doctor" or "teacher" or "mother".... we are okay with this, because it tells the world something about who we are, what we are good at, maybe it says something about how we "see" the world. We are okay with saying, "I'm artistic" or "musical" or "athletic".... these to are labels, labels we give to ourselves, labels that tell the world something about us. We do not fear these labels will limit us; we do not fear people will only think of us as these things. We are okay with these labels.

"We are unschoolers"... this is a label could tell people a lot about how we as are as a family. I do not fear that this label will limit us; or that this is a label we have made some huge commitment to; one that limits us from changing; if we as a family felt we wanted to.

Why all this talk of labels? I'll tell you why, because when it comes to medical labels, all of a sudden people start to carry around all kinds of fear, and negativity. Especially, when these labels are being applied to children. I have had a lot of time to think about this; AND I'm going to share some of those thoughts with you.

My husband has a diagnosis of narcolepsy. A label, yes? yes.
People hear this label, and they get the mental picture of someone falling asleep while they are driving, or walking, or bowling, or eating soup. It makes people giggle, and joke; because of this mental picture; this impression the world has of narcolepsy; an impression that is not entirely accurate or fact based. These kinds of situations, that people picture when thinking of narcolepsy, CAN happen to people carrying the label of narcolepsy; but they don't always; in fact, there are varying forms and degrees of narcolepsy.

Narcolepsy is a diagnosis we fought for. I want to be clear about this; we wanted a label that would explain some of the challenges my husband is facing. We wanted a label that would tell us, and others, something about him; something about his make-up, something about his needs and abilities. A label that would give our family access to help, that we legitimately needed.

I'm going to be honest too; there was a process involved in accepting this label. It wasn't like my husband got this diagnosis, and we said "YAY! what a positive thing! this is going to be great!" NO, we had fears; and it was a big process of adjustment that we had to go through. AND I don't believe people see this label attached to my husband, and see him as only that. I don't think people see him as less of an individual. Another honest part of the process was educating people about what this diagnosis, this label, meant. It was a little exhausting, honestly, because it caused a focus to be on the label for a period of time. But overall, this was a positive thing because it let people know more about what we were, and are facing. And to the people who know us and care about us, this label has not been a negative thing.

In the pediatricians office with my daughter last week, I was listening to the doctor talking about ADD and ADHD. It was general information. She was telling me what this label meant, and she was telling me about the kinds of coping skills and strategies children and adults develop when their brain works this way. As I listened, I had to stop her, I had to interrupt.... because she was describing me! She was describing so many things about my childhood. She asked me some more questions about it; and ended up telling me I probably have ADD! This is a label that "could" have been very useful to me, as a child; this label is very useful to me now. It tells me something about how my brain works, and how I learn best. It explains why I have to listen to music, if I want to be able to focus on a task; it explains why I have had SO much trouble learning certain things. This is a positive thing to me; it is useful information.
AND it made me and my daughter giggle ALOT.... which is also a good thing ;)

Clearly though, this is not why we were visiting the pediatrician.

Originally, I wrote a lot of details here. Details that were therapeutic to write. But I deleted them. Because I don't want to share all the details. And I don't want to explain or defend to anyone. What I will say is this:

Unschooling has allowed us to honor our daughters strengths, her gifts and talents. It has allowed her to develop a love of learning. It has allowed us to be together; to support her in whatever way we could see she needed. It allowed enough time to pass, for her to have the maturity she needed to recognize that she is facing some challenges and to know that she wanted help. She knows herself incredibly well; and thanks to unschooling she knows a ton about her own learning process; enough to know that she wanted to learn more about her own process; about what is and is not working for her.

The pediatrician has praised us for choosing to unschool. She said we have been doing exactly what was needed and was good for our daughter; and that she wanted us to continue to do more of what we have already been doing. I am thankful, and relieved. I have carried the useless fear that unschooling had somehow "caused" her to be having this struggle.....

Well, maybe it hasn’t been entirely useless. You see, some people have asked me if I think unschooling has “caused” any of "this"- which of course is ludicrous! I've had a lot of time to contemplate what this question is really saying! Having the freedom to explore one’s own interests; and learn in the way one is naturally inclined does not “cause” a neurological disorder. For this is exactly how most adults live; following their interests, learning about things as they feel is most beneficial for them. If the belief that unschooling causes this kind of damage was true; we would have a world full of adults with neurological disorders... (wait a minute, maybe we do! ;)

Sorry, I got off on a tangent there.... my point is, the fact that this ludicrous fear crossed my mind has kept me from really “loosing it” on a few people. Just to put that out there.

So yes, this is a challenging and stressful time. And yes, we are going to continue unschooling our son. And yes, I still believe unschooling is a fantastic option for families. And yes, I am writing all this about labels because I am tired of hearing about other people's crappy feelings about labels; and labels on children. Whatever diagnosis we come to, (which I probably won’t be sharing on here) isn’t going to change who we are as a family. It isn’t going to change who my daughter is; or how we feel about her. It is going to tell us a little bit more about who she is; what she is made of; where she is coming from. It is going to tell me more about how I can best be supportive and caring for her. And that is important information to me.

If you read this all the way to the end, thank you. And if you are one of the people in our life who has been supportive and kind, then thank you.

Promise to my children

noreply@blogger.com (aspentreemama) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 02:43:00 +0000

Below is a facebook status, the idea was to copy and paste into your own status if you feel this way.

PROMISE TO MY CHILDREN: I will stalk you, moan at you, lecture you, drive you crazy, embarrass you in front of your friends, hunt you down like a bloodhound and be your worst nightmare all because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult. You will NEVER find someone who loves you, cares about you and worries about you as much as i do!~love mom

I couldn't do it, because while I agree with the "I love you" message I don't agree with the underlining message. The behaviors described portray a message of distrust; an expectation that your children are going to disappoint you. The message is that because you know best, you have given yourself the license to act in disrespectful ways towards your children; to ignore their feelings as irrelevant. And the behaviors are justified with a "because I love you the most." But alas, these are not behaviors or attitudes that build healthy relationships; stalking, moaning, lecturing, embarrassing, hounding, annoying; these are the things that tear down. These things do not encourage respect, communication, or honesty.

~Who of us as adults would seek out a relationship like this? Who of us would like to see our childrens in an adult relationship that looked like this?
It would be considered unhealthy at best.

I would like to revamp this, and compose a promise of my own.

My Promise to My Children:
I promise to trust you, to try to listen more than I talk, to really hear your feelings, to communicate with you.
I promise to feel proud of you,
to credit you with the best intentions and motives;
to share with you in your struggles and disappointments.
I promise to value what you need;
and accept that sometimes you do know what is right for you.
I promise to try and remember that everything in life is a learning experience; and that we can learn from each other.
I promise to be awed by your gifts and talents.
I promise to stand beside you as your advocate, to support you;
even when that support looks crazy to other people;
hug you, love you, comfort you;
and offer guidance when you need it.
I promise to laugh with you; and share in this life with you.

And I hope that when you are a grown adult we will still have a good relationship;
and that when you look back on your childhood
you will feel like you were loved and treated with respect and kindness.
I hope that in your life you will be surrounded by people who love you and care about you;
and I hope that you will choose me to be one of those people.
Because I love you. I loved you before you were, and I love the person you are.

~Love mom

Aspen mama

Wealthy with Gratitude

I get to be the one to witness my littles growing up.

Our family is blessed enough to have all our needs met; both spiritually and materially. So while some would definitely consider us poor, I feel rich with gratitude!

"I Could Never Do That..."

"I Could Never Do That..."

"I could never homeschool or unschool"

"I could never eat gluten-free"

"I could never have a homebirth, co-sleep, or nurse well into toddlerhood"

"I couldn't stand it if my husband were home all the time on a disability, while I worked part-time"

This is what I feel is the sad part; I think that sometimes when someone's internal voice says "I could never do that", and we believe it, and we are selling ourselves short.

~

We are each made so incredibly beautiful, capable of so many things. Why limit ourselves with "I could never"?

We've also been given this beautiful gift of freedom to write our own stories; sometimes "I could never" is stealing our freedom.

I do have one "I could never".

Through the eyes of a child...

***I would feel ashamed if my adult children use the word "survived" in relation to the way I treated them; I would prefer for them to feel that they "thrived".***

I can't help but I wonder how this kind of parenting will look through the eyes of our children as they become more aware?

I wonder if they will wonder why so few people spoke up on their behalf?

~

The Beginning of Liv

Perhaps, it's because I was a very different person then.

Perhaps, it's because what I remember was not at all what I believe birth to be about. Perhaps, it's because what I remember most

is a mish-mash of doctors, nurses, drugs, IV bags, clocks and fear.

I didn't think much more of it than this.

This is who I was,

and where I was,

in my mama-growing.

Pray for a healthy, strong baby.

Pray for healing.

And pray that we would both come out the other side alright.

We went into the hospital on a Thursday morning,

I remember having to let the drugs wear off while waiting for my epidural.

"Look at me. Look right here. You are doing so well, and you are so strong. You are so strong."

I was glued to her eyes, and her breathing;

and it felt like an echo "You are so strong".

It echoed and I sent the wish inside to Liv

I was telling her "You are SO strong."

I got to hold her for only a couple of seconds.

She was early, and not really ready for this world yet.

Simply Learning

Slow Roasted Teenagers ~ Yummy ~

Old Dan Tucker... and Other Insanities

Mom, why am i here?

Confessions of an Unschooling Mama

Unschooling at our Farmers Market

Our party of Sadness

two tales of weaning

AND... I Would Do It Again!

Innocent

DUMB.

Not back to school and.... I. AM. A. POTTER.

In Honor of Terrible Ideas.....

Is There Such a Thing as Organic Intervention?

"Unschooling" Confusion

DREAMS ~ and Variations of Real Life

reading without schooling

LIFE as Therapy

Unschooling Music and.... Other Things.....

labels, labels and more labels

Promise to my children

Below is a facebook status, the idea was to copy and paste into your own status if you feel this way.

I would feel ashamed if my adult children use the word "survived" in relation to the way I treated them; I would prefer for them to feel that they "thrived".